Dear Kate,

We just had our first parents’ evening and the tutor described our son as distracted. We’ve heard this before and considered testing for ADHD, but the tutor didn’t suggest it directly and I do worry about rushing to conclusions. Would the school tells us if they thought we should pursue an evaluation?

– Unsure but Caring Parent

Dear Unsure but Caring Parent,

It might help to think of an assessment as an additional source of information rather than a final outcome. While an assessment is a significant step, the most significant step is asking the question, which you’ve already done here.

For most families it’s important to weigh the risks against the potential benefits. What might a diagnosis gain your son and what might it cost, but also, what is the benefit of waiting, and what might that cost? How these factors weigh out will depend on your son’s specific situation, but you might consider a few of the following factors.

To what extent does your son show signs of struggle academically, socially, or emotionally? Is the ‘distraction’ a source of stress for him, directly or indirectly? To what extent has the school implemented support for your son’s perceived distraction and how willing might they be to provide additional support without a formal diagnosis? What level of stigma might a diagnosis carry in your school community and in your family? How easily can your family afford the diagnostic process and medication for six to nine months privately, or on a longer-term basis?

In the private sector schools tend to be cautious to suggest interventions and especially medical assessments, so in our experience, where that happens, there is likely ample evidence to suggest it’s necessary. In this case, although the form tutor did not directly mention ADHD, the fact that you have heard this before is worth considering. There is also a lot of misleading information about ADHD and medication out there. What perhaps should be discussed more is the cost of waiting too long, especially for children who struggle less obviously. These children are at risk of developing high-risk coping mechanisms and anxiety and often suffer from low self-esteem. Early diagnoses and support provide opportunity to develop healthy coping mechanisms, provides a frame for children to understand how they are different from their peers and not, and allows time to titrate medication where appropriate.

We have yet to hear a parent say they wish they had waited longer for an evaluation; many wish they had acted sooner.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We received a short note that our daughter’s timetable had been adjusted for the second half of term. It wasn’t until she came home upset that we found out she’d been moved to the bottom sets for maths and science. Her reports have always been fine and this came as a shock to all of us. Is it normal for schools to make changes like this without a proper conversation?

– Blindsided Mum

Dear Blindsided Mum,

While it is common to adjust sets mid-term, it’s very poor practice to do so without consultation. How ‘normal’ this is would be difficult to say with any certainty, but it happens more than it should.

In terms of next steps, you might start with your daughter’s tutor and consider including relevant heads of department. Keep the temperature low and ask about their process and for evidence. What triggered the move? Is this consistent with the department’s approach more broadly? What is the plan to review placement, and on what timescale? How will your daughter’s experience in this set differ from her former set? What additional support will be offered?

Try to make it clear that you’re not challenging the existence of sets, but the level of opacity. You want to make sure this was carefully considered and your daughter will be support throughout. Given their approach so far, this is currently far from obvious. Include a timeline with periodic check-ins and establish what success looks like and how it will be measured.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son has his first set of senior school [Year 9] exams in a few weeks and he told me some older boys in his house said results are read out and boys are ranked in front of the entire school. I told him that surely can’t be true any more, but now I’m doubting myself. Do schools still do this?

– Nervous Year 9 Mum

Dear Nervous Year 9 Mum,

This would be entirely out of step with current best practice or safeguarding or data-protection guidance. I am not aware of any school that still does this, but that doesn’t mean that some version of it doesn’t happen somewhere, and it doesn’t mean that the worry behind the question isn’t worth addressing.

It’s worth your son having a quick chat with his house tutor or HM to understand exactly what the practice is. There may be a prize-giving list or a list of top performers, or it may be that boys read their results in their tutor groups, but that is very different to a public lining up and reading out, which has long fallen out of favour.

Most importantly, this is an opportunity to reassure your son and frame these exams. First, his self-worth is not determined by his academic achievements. Second, Year 9 exams only matter insofar as they help to prepare him for exams that actually will count, likely at the end of Year 11. These exams can help identify areas of strength or challenge, help with setting in lessons, and help to develop better revision methods and revision stamina. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, these exams can help to identify challenges around exams themselves, including anxiety around them.

If your son is still overly concerned, it may be worth consulting his tutor and even academic support, who may be able to provide further context or offer additional advice. Sometimes a little bit of the right kind of pressure can motivate, but too much of the wrong kind of pressure can overwhelm.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

Our daughter’s new school seemed perfect on paper and we were impressed with our visit, but now that she’s there it feels oddly cold. No one’s been unkind, and there’s no specific problem, but something isn’t sitting right. How long do we wait before we take this instinct seriously?

– Unsettled Parent

Dear Unsettled Parent,

That’s a good question, and one you can ultimately only answer for yourself. Many schools are not as advertised and many more feel different in reality than on paper, even where they deliver on their stated objectives. Equally, sometimes the settling in period can be particularly challenging and when things even out, families discover that even if their experience doesn’t perfectly align with preliminary expectations, things turn out better than they could have planned.

If there are no specific concerns, you might try a fit audit over the course of the next several weeks. How do adults speak to each other? How do they engage pupils? How do children speak to each other? Is there a culture of competition and high ambition, and how is that balanced against a sense of warmth and belonging? Do children seem at ease more broadly? Do they smile, laugh, walk with a bounce in their step? How is your daughter coping? Are there signs of distress or disengagement, is she withdrawn, reactive, or unusually anxious? Are there signs she’s settling? Is she finding a routine and making friends? Does she find lessons engaging? Answers to these questions and how these answers shift (or don’t) over the next few weeks can help guide your decision on what to do next.

It might also be helpful to contact your daughter’s tutor in a light-touch way, both to understand how she seems at school and to get a sense of how the school engages with parents. This is something you could do now or wait until you have more information to ask more targeted questions.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We’ve started the conversation about senior schools at home and I’ve realised my husband and I have entirely different priorities. Finding the right prep school came so easily, but the conversations we’re having now have revealed some significant differences in our approaches to parenting. My husband wants a clear and measurable return on investment and is focused on academic hothouse options. I think we need to consider the whole picture and overall experience. His focus on outcomes concerns me and I’m struggling to make a clear and coherent argument for fit. Should I try to change his views or advocate for a compromise option?

– Divided but Hopeful Mum

Dear Divided but Hopeful Mum,

Discussions about school selection can trigger deep feelings, often tied to our own experiences and identities. When parents disagree it can sometimes feel like a fundamental difference in approaches to parenting, finances, how we live, and what we value. In reality, most parents agree more than disagree, but they’re coming to the discussion from two different places and with different language. Given that you were able to quickly agree to a prep school, there is every chance you’ll reach the same conclusion here with some thought. You have more information about your child now than you did when you made that initial decision, which although means more to consider, means that ultimately you can make an even more informed choice.

It can help to reframe the discussion. Instead of one being pro-kindness and one pro-results, look for common ground. For example, your starting point might be focused on how results are best produced and sustained. There are high and low performing students at every school and students who transfer from one school to anther every year because the pressure is too much or because the fit is otherwise off. If high achievement is the goal, fit should be a top priority.

To help facilitate your conversation, you might talk through the following questions:

• What sort of adult are we trying to raise?
• Under what conditions does this child work hard and stay well?
• Which schools demonstrably produce that combination for pupils like ours?
• Even if your answers are initially quite far apart, look for areas of potential overlap. Sometimes parents will both say they want to raise an adult who finds happiness and fulfillment. To one parent that might centre around financial security and independence, while for another pursuit of passion. But both will be easier with a solid grounding and most people will need to find their own balance.

Finally, while there may not indicate fundamental differences, sometimes these discussions can lead to important disclusres around finances, fear, and future-proofing, that can become quite complex. Remember that this is the beginning of the conversation and give yourself time and space to consider over the next several months.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter [Year 5] was the only child in her form not invited to a birthday party this weekend. This is the first time we have ever experienced anything like this and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not a close friendship, but they’ve always been friendly, and the family is new to the school. I’m trying to stay calm, but she’s crushed. Do I say something to the parents? Or to the school? Or is that overreacting?

– Heartbroken Mum

Dear Heartbroken Mum,

This is so difficult and one of the most painful parts of parenting. Seeing the look on a child’s face after they have just been excluded is unforgettable and your response and desire to do something is entirely understandable.

At this stage, the most important thing is to attend to your daughter and her feelings. Help her name the feeling, help her sit with it, and help her frame it and move on. Think about how you might widen her social circle, both outside of her form and outside of her school and try to arrange a one-to-one play date with someone especially kind. Keep the weekend pleasantly occupied without attempting to fully distract from any negative feelings, and reassure her that she is loved, seen, and appreciated.

If a pattern emerges, whether in repeated exclusions or pointed unkindness, then email the teacher with the facts. The aim is not to force invitations, but to make sure the classroom remains a productive and secure environment that does not reward small cruelties. Very often these things pass by without further incident, but sometimes they do need to be addressed.

As difficult as it might be, it might also be worth thinking with your daughter about why she thinks she may have been excluded. Girls at this age can be unkind, but most parents would not agree to exclude a child in this scenario without some further context. It may be that the parent does not know or is operating outside of these fairly well-established community norms, but it may also be that the parent believes there is some deeper issue. It may be that this parent has heard a version of events that do not reflect reality or misinterpreted something, but it’s also always important to consider whether you are missing key information that might help your daughter be included in future gatherings.

I once attended a charity lunch and listened to the mother of the school bully drone on and on about how her daughter had been the victim of unkindness from the girls at school, who had recently organised a special weekend away and not included her. She was also astonished that her daughter was not elected to be her form’s representative, despite a brilliant campaign. Everyone listened and nodded politely, but no one had the nerve, or the heart, to say that it was in fact the daughter who was well known not only in her own year group, but two year groups above and below. I found out much later that the school had never actually made this clear to the girl’s parents. They tiptoed around it for years and it was only when she went to senior school and she was formally sanctioned that her parents began to grapple with her behaviour.

In another completely unrelated case, a dear friend’s daughter was excluded several gatherings and could not understand why. It turned out that the daughter was struggling to pick up social cues that were obvious to other girls her age and inadvertently getting things wrong in the classroom and in social settings. The other girls in her form labelled her as weird and stopped engaging with her or inviting her to things, and although they never said unkind things to her directly, she became isolated and really struggled. Eventually, my friend’s daughter received an ASD diagnosis and received support through structured playgroups and is now thriving with a great group of supportive friends at university. In hindsight, my friend always says she wished she had asked the hard questions earlier rather than dismissing it as classic mean girl behaviour.

I suppose that is a very long way of saying that this may be nothing, or it may be something, but prioritising your daughter’s feelings this weekend is the most important thing to do right now, and asking the right questions and really listening to those answers will help to support her longer term.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter’s summer was quite full. One extended family holiday, two weeks abroad with friends, an immersive language course, and two demanding work experience placements. It all felt worthwhile at the time, but now term is about to start and she looks absolutely spent. Have we overdone it?

– Overstretched Mum

Dear Overstretched Mum,

The hard answer here is probably yes. The good news is that this should be easily and quickly remedied if you act now. Trial a two-week decompression plan complete with earlier nights, light exercise, no new commitments, and plenty of time to exhale. Consider reducing any extras or optional activities until the second half of autumn term and a brief note to her tutor to explain why. If at the end of two weeks there is little improvement, engage her tutor and consider further reducing demands further.

You might also use this as a learning opportunity for you both. What did fatigue look like in the earliest stages? What did it feel like? What internal signs might help her identify it earlier in future? There is so much pressure to do everything and to keep up with everyone, but it’s so important to learn to listen to ourselves.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

After two weeks our [Year 6] son seems to be struggling. He comes home flatter, more reactive, and less hungry. His form tutor says he seems to be settling well, but something isn’t right. I don’t want to overstep, but I also don’t want to wait too long. How should I raise my concerns?

– Worried Year 6 Mum

Dear Worried Year 6 Mum,

Share observations without accusations. A brief note: We’ve noticed X, Y, and Z at home. There’s not a single incident that’s causing concern, but noticeable changes. Could you let us know how he seems, especially in transitions and unstructured times? Happy to pop in for 10 minutes or chat by phone

Ask for specifics to understand context. How does the start of the day compare to the end? Is he eating? What do his breaks look like? How is he navigating group projects? This information can help to identify potential challenge areas and might suggest potential support options. Schools tend to respond best to small, reversible supports, grounded in evidence and framed collaboratively

If you get stuck, you might watch and wait another week or two and follow up, but if you don’t see improvement and support is not forthcoming, you might consider escalating your concern

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

This is our first term in the independent sector, and I feel like I’ve missed an email on how things are meant to work. I posted something perfectly ordinary in the class WhatsApp and had no response. Then someone else asked more or less the same thing and had five replies. This has happened at least one other time in just a few weeks. I’m trying not to overthink it, but it’s making me feel as though I’m getting something wrong socially. What’s going on?

– Perplexed New Parent

Dear Perplexed New Parent,

WhatsApp groups are often less about information and more about unspoken rules. Unfortunately, there is no email that sets out how things ought to work, but three practical shifts might be useful.

First, spend some time observing before you post, comment, or even engage. Every group has its own cadence and etiquette, so pause before you dive in and see if you can decipher what distinguishes a post that results in engagement and one that falls flat. Second, never ask for information you could easily access yourself or treat the group like your very own personal assistant. Take the time to look for your own answers first and be mindful of volume relative to group size. Finally, for anything truly important, WhatsApp is not the venue. Email the tutor, consult the handbook, invite a well-informed parent for a coffee. Remember that privacy is paramount and comments and replies can easily be taken out of context or shared more widely.

And one practical note (and request). If your child is prone to losing things, do not treat the WhatsApp group as a lost and found. If every parent posted every time a sock went missing and expected every other parent to confirm they searched, our phones would never stop pinging, or those of us who have and want useful information would simply leave and start a separate group, which has happened.

Most importantly, hold your nerve. Social cues settle by half-term and even if you make a mistake, you won’t be the only one. Your son’s experience is shaped far more by his day-to-day than by parental micro-currents online and anyone worth knowing won’t determine your value by your WhatsApp social skills.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

Our son [Year 9] will be boarding for the first time this September. We’ve tried to ask about how he’s feeling, but it all seems to bounce off. He says it’s all fine, but hasn’t really engaged with any of the preparation. I can’t work out whether he’s genuinely ready or simply avoiding the bigger emotions. How do we tell the difference?

– Anxious but Hopeful Mum

Dear Anxious but Hopeful Mum,

Silence can mean steadiness or self-protection. Behaviour often reveals more than talk about feelings. Look for readiness markers like organising kit unprompted, practical questions about routine, or interest in house life. Sometimes these come quite late because the focus is genuinely on other things, but there should be some signs of interest in the next step in the weeks before departure. You might also look for signs of avoidance, which often manifest as increased irritability or putting off preparation beyond what’s typical for him.

Some parents find it helpful to create openings for conversations without pressing and offer quiet reassurances in the form of predictable structures. A shared to-do list and timeline, set call times for the first week, or anything that can lend a sense of continuity can be useful. If your son is really feeling fine about it all, he can ignore these structures, but if he’s worried about a wobble, or indeed experiences one, they’re there.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter did not meet her university offer and has chosen to take a gap year. She’s looking at an assistant teaching role at her old prep, which she’s excited about. I’m pleased she’s taking initiative, but I can’t help wondering whether it will stretch her enough or provide her any genuine value. Am I right to be concerned?

– Cautious Parent

Dear Cautious Parent,

A gap year can be ballast or drift, and you’re right to think about structure and stretch as important factors.

Assistant roles can be valuable if they’re not the whole year and not simply a return to the familiar. If the assistant role appeals because it is familiar, and she feels she needs that, it may be worth understanding why. Otherwise, you might suggest she consider framing the year in three parts: contribution, development, and exploration.

The assistant position might be a great start to the contribution element, especially with clearly defined opportunities and a supportive mentor. She may also find opportunities for development within that framework in the form of certifications or related short courses, but ideally she would find something separate. Many students choose to pursue a language qualification or volunteer in a new field, but really anything that supports some potential future step could be considered. Finally, every gap year should include some time for reading, travel, or work that genuinely broadens her frame of reference.

Ask for a one-page plan with dates, aims, and what success looks like. If she owns the structure, the year will be an opportunity for growth. If not, it may comfort her, which is pleasant, but not usually the purpose of a gap year.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

[GCSE] results day was better than we feared, yet my son seems oddly unsettled. He keeps saying he ‘should have done more’ and is now talking about changing his A-level choices and even his university plans on the basis of a one-grade difference. How do we help him recognise success without immediately turning it into a crisis of identity?

– Desperate Mum

Dear Desperate Mum,

High-achieving children often experience shifting targets. What you’re hearing might be the reflex of a child who has learnt to translate any outcome into a fresh demand.

You might start by separating data from story. Grades are one source of data, but the story he’s telling himself may not match it.

It may be that he wants to shift A-level choices and university courses simply because of his results, but there may also be more to that story, and it’s worth exploring whether that story, too, is based on evidence. Most university courses now offer extensive information online in terms of requirements and expectations, and your school should be able to provide some guidance. Depending on the programme and the grade in question, he may be right that a one-grade difference is significant.

A short cooling-off period might help. Give him some time to process the information and consider his options, then decide whether to make a change. You might also speak to the school about the extent to which your son can adjust his choices and on what timeline. Many schools allow changes through the end of the first term, but in practice this can be easier in some courses than others.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter is starting Year 8 in September. She’s academically solid but emotionally young. Her friends are already buying lattes with pocket money and talking about mascara and TikTok influencers, and she’s still into fairy lights and craft kits. I don’t want to dampen her spirit, but I’m worried she’s going to be swallowed up. How do we prepare her without crushing her?

Worried Mum

Dear Worried Mum,

There’s a specific type of worry in watching a child enter a space that doesn’t quite fit them yet and any parent who has felt it will immediately recognise it in your question.

For many students, Year 8 is a high-pressure time and marks the end of their prep school experience. As they look towards next steps that will often include an entirely new environment, students will process and cope in different ways. Many friendship groups start to shift as interests change and anxieties surface, and complications often arise as young people ‘try on’ different ways of moving through the world.

For a child who’s still emotionally anchored in imagination and play, which is entirely developmentally normal at this age, it can feel like being dropped into an unknown world.

Recognising this early, as you’ve already done, is crucial. You might try narrating what you notice, gently and with respect, to your daughter, and asking what she’s noticing. Think, “I noticed that several of your friends have cell phones now,” rather than, “I can’t believe X’s mum lets her use TikTok.” Explore where her observations align with yours and where she sees things differently. That can guide where your input will be most useful.

• Scaffold small independencies: ordering her own food, managing her timetable, or coordinating plans with friends builds confidence without sacrificing character.
• Talk about social roleplay: not to make her “fit in,” but as a decoding game — to spot when someone is trying something on and why, without taking it personally.
• Let her hold onto joy: Year 8 doesn’t have to mean leaving fairy lights behind. Help her make space for the things that ground her, even if they’re not “cool.”

She might feel out of step at first, but that doesn’t mean she’s out of place. Year 8 can be a challenging transition, but if you keep the lines of communication open, you’ll navigate it together.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We haven’t planned anything for summer. No camps, no tutoring, no creative intensives. Just rest and a short holiday with family. This felt right until I overheard parents talking about ISEB prep, Latin revision, and Mandarin tutors. Now I feel like an outlier. Is this really necessary at 10 years old?

Exhausted and Anxious Mum

Dear Exhausted and Anxious Mum,

Allowing a child to have a restful and restorative summer is a valid choice. You don’t have to join a race you never agreed to run — and resisting that takes real courage.

You’re describing something many independent school parents feel but rarely admit: the panic that comes not from your child’s needs, but from other people’s anxieties. The curated camps, Mandarin flashcards, and “confidence-building” tutors are often a symptom of that insecurity, not evidence of good parenting.

Remember: a saturated child isn’t the same as a prepared one. Over-scheduling can harm family dynamics and send a message — “you’re not enough as you are” — that lingers long after the summer ends. Top schools actively discourage this pressure, and for good reason.

Children process term-time experiences on delay. Summer is when real learning consolidates — not in tutoring sessions, but through rest, reflection, and boredom. That’s when they reframe who they are and what they enjoy. It’s not time off; it’s time in.

If, partway through the summer, your child lights up at something — a book, a recipe, a spreadsheet of football stats — then lean in. That’s real engagement. You can also mix in light structure if it helps you feel balanced — something different to schoolwork, but equally enriching.

And finally: the years go fast. You’ll look back and realise how fleeting these unstructured summers were. Try to enjoy them together — they count more than you think.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

This year’s been all about our eldest: GCSEs, friendship dramas, and now a transition to sixth form. Our younger two are happy, capable, and frankly easier, but I can’t shake the guilt. How do I reset the balance without turning it into a performance?

Guilt-Ridden Mum

Dear Guilt-Ridden Mum,

Many parents with multiple children will relate. It’s rare for every child to have the same level of need at the same time. The child who needs less — and gets less — during one season will often have their turn later. Time and experience tend to restore balance.

Don’t announce the “rebalancing act.” No one wants to feel like they’re receiving attention as part of a parental project. Instead, rebuild connection naturally, in small, genuine moments.

Invite them on errands or walks. Use those moments to be curious without being invasive. Notice what’s current for them — the book they’re obsessed with, the meme they assume you won’t get, the hobby they’ve revived.

If you want to name it, do so quietly: “I know a lot of my attention’s been on [sibling’s name] this year. I’ve missed having more time with you.”

Every family cycles through imbalance. The key is not perfect equality, but mutual understanding: that everyone gets what they need when they need it. That lesson alone can be one of the best gifts you give them.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

GCSEs finished weeks ago and my daughter has shut down. She’s sleeping late, barely speaking, and doing little but scroll. I thought we’d get some lightness back, a “you made it through” moment. When does GCSE recovery become a red flag?

Concerned Mum of a GCSE Survivor

Dear Concerned Mum,

You know your child well enough to notice that this is withdrawal. What matters now is not rushing to fix it, but understanding what kind of depletion you’re seeing.

Some students finish exams with relief; others finish hollow — especially those who’ve tied identity to performance or braced for failure for months. For bright, self-regulating girls in particular, the emotional cost of masking stress often surfaces only after exams end.

Observe the quality of her rest. Does she seem soothed or numb? Are there moments — a film, a snack, a laugh — where she re-engages, even briefly? Or has the spark gone altogether?

You don’t need to drag her out of it, but you do need to tether her gently: through shared routines, open invitations, and quiet company that doesn’t demand performance. Eventually, you can say something like, “You finished something hard. That doesn’t always feel good straight away.”

If sadness deepens or persists, seek professional support. Most students rebound with time and family grounding, but if your instincts tell you something’s deeper, trust that and get help. Rest is healing — but sometimes, rest needs scaffolding.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

School has suggested our daughter might need an ADHD assessment. We’re a bit shocked as she’s bright, does well in class, and isn’t disruptive. What are we missing?

Confused Mum

Dear Confused Mum,

This is more common than you might think, especially for girls, and especially in high-performing schools. As a general rule, these schools tend to underestimate the need for ADHD assessments, so we typically recommend parents move quickly when schools suggest assessment.

For context, the older model of ADHD focused on external behaviours: the child who couldn’t sit still or kept interrupting. But many students, often bright, conscientious girls, mask their difficulties by internalising and masking. They compensate, overcorrect, and run themselves to burnout trying to meet expectations. That can often look like success on the outside, but it comes at a high cost.

An assessment doesn’t mean a label, it means more information, and it can help clarify whether your daughter’s effort is sustainable, or whether it’s fuelled by anxiety or perfectionism. It can also open the door to support that’s about working with her brain instead of against it. This can feel like a lot to process, especially when it comes as a surprise, and it can help to take things one step at a time. To start, it might help to follow up with school and to ask for clarification around what sparked this suggestion, and to discuss what they see at school and how it fits with your own observations. Again, rest assured that in every independent school we have worked with, the tendency is to under-diagnose, and as long as you work with a reputable diagnostic centre, the risk of over-diagnosis is incredibly low.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son is in Year 9 and says most of the boys in his class watch explicit online material regularly. He told me this calmly, like it was normal. I didn’t know what to say. What should I be saying?

Shocked and Appalled Mum

Dear Shocked and Appalled Mum,

First, credit to him for telling you and credit to you for having the kind of relationship that means he wants to tell you. That kind of honesty is a door you want to keep open.

By Year 9, most students have already encountered some kind of explicit content, whether intentionally or by accident. This is a huge problem that big tech and governments have failed to adequately address for decades, and is beyond the scope of this answer, but at this stage it’s about dealing with what we’re living, and that means widespread access and exposure to explicit content.

What’s often missing from early experiences with explicit content is any adult context. If a young person’s only understanding of sex, power, bodies and relationships comes from online content, it can warp expectations in ways they may not even realise, potentially for the rest of their lives.

This doesn’t need to be, and really should not be, one big talk. It’s better as a series of conversations that grow over time. Start by asking what he thinks about what he’s seen or heard, not in a shaming way, but with genuine curiosity. You might say, “You said lots of boys watch — do you think they believe that’s what sex is really like?”

And don’t be afraid to talk about things like mutual respect, consent, and emotional connection. These aren’t abstract ideas, they’re foundational, and they’re talking about them at school too. Don’t worry about getting these talks exactly right. It’s very likely that you are one of many sources of information your son will access on this topic, but it’s also likely that you will be one of the few adults in his life who is willing and able to help him make sense of it all.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

Another mum stopped me at pick-up and told me my daughter had been excluding hers from their school year group chat. I was totally blindsided. They used to be close, but things have naturally shifted lately. I tried to be polite, but I’m still fuming. Should I follow up with the other mum? How do I even bring this up with my daughter?

Angry Mum

Dear Angry Mum,

This is one of those situations where the lines between parenting and politics become blurry quickly, so you’re right to tread carefully.

There’s emotion on both sides: the other parent feeling protective, you are feeling blindsided and possibly judged. But the priority here isn’t the adults, it’s helping the children move through this without escalation or shame.

Start with your daughter. Not an interrogation, but a casual conversation, ideally over a shared activity, while driving, or over food, to start. You might say, “I saw [mum’s name] earlier, and she seemed upset about something between you and [child’s name]. Can you help me get the full picture?”

At this age, social shifts can be sudden, subtle, and messy. A group chat exclusion might have been intentional or it might have been poor timing, a new dynamic forming, or someone else leading the charge. Help your daughter reflect, not just defend. Ask what she thinks the other girl might be feeling, without forcing guilt, and listen to what she’s feeling.

Parents very often only get part of the story, and although you might agree that this other child was unfairly excluded, you might reach an entirely different conclusion. In either case, whether to follow up will depend on whether you think it could genuinely be constructive and the potential for unnecessary escalation.

To put it another way, rather than sending a disingenuous message like: “Thanks for raising this earlier — I’ve spoken to [daughter], and we’re having some good conversations at home. I know these things can be tricky as friendships evolve. Happy to keep in touch if anything else comes up.”

Consider whether the situation could benefit from you meeting the other parent for a walk or a cup of coffee and a casual chat, and the value of keeping open lines of communication, which become increasingly important over time.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

I don’t know if my child is anxious or just…12. What’s normal anymore?

Pre-teen Mum

Dear Pre-Teen Mum,

This is one of those questions that can feel uncomfortable, in part because no one wants to be the parent who pathologises normal adolescence. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: anxiety and emotional growing pains don’t always look different and in many cases they overlap. Often they’re identical in outward behaviour (withdrawal, irritability, defiance) and what matters isn’t the what, but the why underneath.

Rather than trying to diagnose right now, try to observe. Are they sleeping and eating as usual? Do they still find pleasure in something, even if it’s only one or two things? Is their energy consistent (outside of busy times at school)? Are you seeing isolated moments of challenge or an emerging pattern?

Most importantly: how open are they to connection? If your child still seeks you out, even sporadically, that’s a good sign. You don’t have to press for big disclosures, just be available, calm, and willing to listen when there’s a wobble.

At 12, your child is balancing more than you may realise: shifting social hierarchies, rising academic expectations, hormonal chaos, the loss of childhood’s simplicity with none of the compensations of adulthood. This is also very often the first time they’ve faced this sort of challenge or uncertainty and that alone can produce a sense of instability.

If instinct tells you something is wrong, listen to it. If it does turn out to be something deeper to require more structured support, you and your child are far from alone — few people make it through the tween/teen years without challenge.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

This school ticks every box: results, facilities, values. There haven’t been any major problems, but my daughter has become quieter and more withdrawn and it just doesn’t feel right. Are we overreacting?

Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Not necessarily. It’s possible to admire a school on every measurable front and still find that it’s not the right fit for your child.

Sometimes the mismatch isn’t obvious. There’s no bullying, no major academic struggle, just a gradual flattening. It can look like a student who used to be chatty becoming muted or a child who once loved history shrugging when asked about it now. Parents often hesitate to act on these signals because they feel intangible, but emotional tone is data, and that’s what you’re responding to, even if it’s not in a spreadsheet.

Ask yourself:

• How does your daughter describe her day?
• Does the school value the kinds of learners your child represents?
• When you walk through the school gates, does it feel warm or performative? Does your daughter seem at ease in that setting?

This might be the right time to ask the school some thoughtful questions or it might be time to seriously consider a more substantial change. You can take things one step at a time, but don’t dismiss your instincts.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son’s closest friend is moving to a different senior school at the end of this year, a school we actually looked at, but ruled out for reasons I can’t even remember. Now my son is begging to go to this other school. He says he “won’t survive” Year 9 without his best mate. Should we reconsider?

Dramatic Boy Mum

Dear Dramatic Boy Mum,

This is a crossroads many families reach and it’s not just about the school, it’s about identity and belonging.

Your son is likely feeling two things at once: genuine grief at losing daily contact with someone central to his sense of safety, and the natural fear of what social life might look like without that anchor. Both are real and deserve to be acknowledged, but that doesn’t mean the right move is to follow.

Start by revisiting the school you ruled out. What were your original concerns and do they still stand? If you took your son there for a taster day now, would it feel different? What was it about the school that you chose that stood out as the better option? Has anything changed to make this school less appealing or less of a fit for your son?

Then consider your son’s overall profile. Is his attachment to this friend masking deeper discomfort with the current school choice, and is it the only thing that’s really bothering him?

Help him name the loss, but also look forward. Year 9 is often a time of new groupings, broader curriculum, and growing autonomy. It might feel like the end of something now, but it could be the beginning of a more expansive social life, too. In fact, many students at senior schools stay in regular contact with friends from prep schools and arrange meet ups so that everyone’s circle expands together.

On the other hand, many students that go to senior school with their friends from prep school find that those relationships change quickly (and sometimes painfully) in their new context. Differences that seemed to matter less at prep school can become magnified and it can be challenging to balance existing and new friendships. Ultimately, this is a decision you should make together, with as much information as possible. There is no objectively right or wrong decision, but it is worth exploring likely outcomes.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

Everyone keeps saying it’s fine to wait to make a final decision about senior schools, but it’s late Year 7 and those same people are already certain about where their child will be after next year. My husband thinks we need to just make a final decision now and stick with it, but I’m not sure he appreciates how different these schools really are or how much things have changed since he went through this process.

Anxious Mum,

Dear Anxious Mum,

‘Wait and see’ can be a useful strategy when the next stage is genuinely open-ended, but in late Year 7, many of your peers aren’t waiting at all. They’re laying foundations, choosing houses, preparing for specific exams, and building social connections within their future senior schools.

What you’re picking up on, and what your husband may be underestimating, is how much more fragmented and high-stakes this landscape has become. A few decades ago, the route from prep to senior school was relatively linear. Now it’s a network of subtle forks and differences, not to mention the difference in terms of financial investment.

The schools you’re considering may all look strong on paper, but the difference in tone, culture, pressure and child-fit can be enormous in practice. You don’t need to make a final decision today, but you do need a framework and a plan to move forward thoughtfully and with clarity. Ask yourself: What do you need to feel as comfortable as possible making this decision?

Many parents only start seriously questioning senior school options at this stage, partially because children develop so much between Years 5 and 8, partially because they have had that much more time to gather information, and partially because it’s starting to feel real—so you are far from alone. However, many schools will start the process of connecting families with social events, WhatsApp chats, and additional school visits next term or in September, so making a final decision now can help reduce worry later that you’ve missed something or need to catch up.

Warm regards,

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter’s tutor told us that her predicted grades were bumped down because she’s quiet. Can we challenge that?

Annoyed Parent

Dear Annoyed Mum,

You can certainly try.

What you’re describing is unfair, inappropriate, and institutional bias. The challenge is that there is a high level of discretion involved in these predictions and many schools operate an inconsistent approach not only from department to department, but even from teacher to teacher.

Predicted grades should not be based on confidence, volume, or how well a student performs in class discussion, and none of these things will be a factor in GCSE or A Level results*. Yet too often, quieter students—especially girls—are underestimated, and effectively penalised, simply because they don’t “perform” their intelligence in a way that’s obvious.

It may be worth a conversation with the tutor first to better understand what that comment means and whether a lower predicted grade is part of some larger strategy worth discussing. It can help to review any relevant school policies or publications around how predicted grades are calculated, including whether this is a decision made by teacher, department, or as a school, and how much influence your daughter’s tutor has, if any, over the result.

There’s also a potentially larger conversation to have here. If your daughter’s academic profile isn’t being understood or appreciated, this might be about more than just predicted grades, and should raise some questions about fit and whether her particular way of learning is being valued and supported.

Having a conversation with the tutor is about more than the outcome which, again, is relatively unlikely to meaningful change what has already been recorded—it’s about signalling to the tutor that you’re paying attention and have expectations. Most importantly, it signals to your daughter that you value and appreciate her, and that you’re willing to support her, even if it means having uncomfortable conversations or discussions. *The potential exception is where there is an oral component (e.g., in modern language exams), but even here, the extent to which being “quiet” during lessons has meaningful impact on the outcome is limited.

Kind regards,

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

How do we talk about moving schools without making our child feel like they’ve failed? Context: Our son has always been academic. We chose his current prep school knowing it would be a challenge and that it would prepare him to go to a highly selective senior school (like his older brother, father, uncle, and grandfather). It was fine for the first two years, but as expectations have increased, our son is struggling to keep up, even with support from tutors.

Supportive Parent

Dear Supportive Parent,

“This isn’t about failure. It’s about fit.”

Based on what you’ve described, the school isn’t failing your son and your son isn’t failing the school. The match simply no longer serves who and where your son is right now.

When a school move comes from a sense of misalignment rather than disaster or trauma it can be especially hard to explain. Children often internalise the idea that “changing schools” means something went wrong, especially if the current school is academically respected or socially desirable.

For a bright, diligent child, struggling can feel shameful not because they’re failing in any objective sense, but because they’re falling short of a story: that they’re the next link in a long chain of family success. “We’ve learned more about what you need,” as opposed to “This was a mistake.”

Because your child is still in prep school, you have a meaningful opportunity to help frame. Try something like:

“Sometimes we only know if something suits us after we try it. We chose this school because it seemed like a good fit, and in some ways it has been. But we’ve also noticed that some parts feel a bit off and that matters too. Now, we have an opportunity to think carefully about whether there’s a better option for you.”

Or even:

“We see how hard you’re working and how tired you are. You’ve shown determination and resilience, but it’s not supposed to feel this hard every day.”

Starting with a small statement can allow space for your son to share his own thoughts. Sometimes parents are surprised at how aligned those thoughts are with their own, especially over time. It will be important to approach this slowly and thoughtfully, and if you can, to model the importance of changing direction when needed. If you haven’t already, it’s worth discussing this feeling with your current school, both in terms of immediate next steps and senior school pathways. That’s not to say that conversation should dictate how you proceed, but if you’re able to have an open and honest discussion, many schools will advise thoughtfully. In many cases it’s less a question of long-term ability and more a question of timing.

Kind regards,

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son’s school has started introducing lessons about online safety and social media, which I support in principle. However, my son came home upset after a recent class where a teacher allegedly told the boys that social media is “the reason boys are underperforming” and that girls are “better able to cope with its pressures.” He’s a thoughtful boy and took this as a personal criticism. He said the teacher dismissed his attempt to argue that boys and girls experience social media differently but both can struggle. I’m not sure how to approach this—should I raise it with the school or let it go?

Boy Mum

Dear Boy Mum,

Your son’s reaction to this lesson speaks volumes about his sensitivity, curiosity, and willingness to engage thoughtfully with complex issues—qualities that are commendable and all too rare. That he shared this experience and his thoughts with you is also a huge positive.

To start, it may be worth seeking clarification about what was said in the lesson and the overall intention. Teachers often address sensitive topics like social media in ways intended to provoke reflection, but this can sometimes lead to oversimplified or poorly framed statements. The teacher may have intended to highlight general trends about how boys and girls engage with social media different rather than making a blanket statement, or it may have been the teacher’s intention to convey exactly the message your son received. This is a distinction with a difference because it will determine the best way for you to proceed.

You might start by simply asking your son lightly for more details about how the discussion unfolded. Did the teacher explicitly frame their comments as factual or simply as an opinion to spark debate? Did the conversation allow for student input, or was it dismissive of alternative views? This information will help you determine the best way to address the issue with the school, if necessary, and provide an additional opportunity to reflect on the experience with your son.

Regardless of what you discover, reassure him that his willingness to challenge assumptions and articulate his thoughts is admirable. Encourage him to think about how he would have liked the teacher to respond—was it more data, a more nuanced discussion, or simply a more open dialogue? Framing this experience as an opportunity for growth can help him feel empowered rather than defeated.

It might also be worth discussing how social media impacts different people in different ways and having a larger conversation about social media. Ask how social media has impacted him and his friends and how it might impact people from other backgrounds differently. Share your own experiences and ask how you can support him and how the school might do better.

If you feel the issue merits raising with the school, you might begin by framing your concern around your son’s feelings and perspective rather than about something the teacher did wrong. Schools tend to be more open to a presentation that focuses on providing them an opportunity to consider another perspective, and you have the opportunity to do this here. It may be that by starting this way, the teacher reaches their own conclusions about how to make adjustments. This will also signal your openness to dialogue rather than just criticism.

You might also find a way to gently suggest that lessons on social media acknowledge that its impact is deeply individual and shaped by factors like personality, peer groups, and even family attitudes, rather than focusing solely on gendered experiences. Many schools are actively developing their curricula on this topic, and your feedback could contribute to a more inclusive approach. Sometimes parents have found it helpful to share resources. One parent who experience something similar with a senior school discovered that although the school seemed reluctant to implement her feedback, when they gave a presentation to announce a change in direction the following term, it was almost entirely made up of the materials she had shared over several months.

Your son’s thoughtful response to this situation is a reminder of how important it is for schools to create spaces for meaningful dialogue rather than one-size-fits-all narratives. Whether or not you raise this with the school, your support will help your son navigate these challenges with confidence and resilience.

Warm regards,

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We’re in the process of applying to senior schools for our twin daughters, and while one is outgoing, academic, and excelling in the admissions process, the other is more reserved and struggling with the interviews. She’s already mentioned feeling like the “less impressive twin,” and I’m worried this dynamic will deepen if they end up in different schools. The schools themselves seem to think splitting them up could be a good idea, but I’m not so sure. How do we decide what’s best for them both when their needs are so different?

Twin Parent

Dear Twin Parent,

Navigating school choices for twins can be particularly challenging, because like with any sibling pair, personalities and strengths can vary so much, but for twins there is no time gap. Of course you know all of this already, and your desire to support both of your daughters and to address their individual needs makes it clear that you are already approaching this decision with great care.

The fact that one daughter feels like the “less impressive twin” is significant, and it’s worth addressing this carefully, regardless of which schools they attend. If they do end up at the same senior school, this dynamic could persist if their natural differences in confidence and performance remain visible to teachers, peers, or even each other. Splitting them up could give each daughter the opportunity to thrive in her own right, without constant comparison—especially for your more reserved daughter, who may need space to find her confidence and identity.

At the same time, being at separate schools could create its own challenges, particularly if your daughters are close or if one feels “left behind” while the other is perceived as going to a more prestigious school. These are emotional considerations worth discussing openly with your daughters, making sure they feel heard and included in the decision. I would suggest having conversations with your daughters together and separately, and keeping things as low pressure as possible. We’ve always found that walks and car rides can be great opportunities, because naturally sitting or walking side-by-side can feel more relaxed and less confrontational.

If the schools themselves believe splitting them up might be beneficial, it’s worth exploring why. Do they see a specific risk in your twins attending the same school, or do they simply think the different environments better suit each girl’s needs? Is this general advice they give to all twin families, or is this based on what they know about your daughters? A conversation with admissions teams at the prospective schools could provide useful insights, but a conversation with the future schools coordinators at your school will probably provide the best insight, as they will be more familiar with your daughters.

Some questions you might ask admissions teams: How would they support your quieter daughter in developing her confidence? How would they support your more academic daughter and keep her challenged, engaged, and confident through this next stage? How would they provide opportunities for each to develop separately and to maintain a strong bond? Do they have experience supporting twin families? How would they treat twin siblings similarly or differently to other siblings? Understanding what the schools can offer to balance their experiences will give you a clearer picture of the practical realities and provide you with an idea of how much thought they have given their advice and what kind of support you can expect moving forward.

Whether they attend the same school or not, the sibling dynamic doesn’t need to become a rivalry. Encourage your daughters to see each other’s successes as part of a shared story and make sure they know that you value them both for who they are and not what they achieve. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of this already, so just keep that messaging strong through these next years when young people, and especially young women, are prone to second-guessing themselves and their self-worth.

If your daughters do go to separate schools, create opportunities for them to stay connected—whether that’s through family traditions, shared extracurricular activities, or simply prioritising time together during school holidays. By emphasising their connection as siblings, you can reduce the likelihood of feelings of separation or competition.

Whatever you decide, your thoughtful approach to their individual needs is already setting the tone for their growth and confidence. With your support, they will each have the opportunity to flourish, whether at the same school or not.

Kind regards,

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

I’m struggling with how to approach my daughter’s school about her recent report. It mentions that she’s “highly social” and “engages with enthusiasm” but doesn’t seem to take her academics seriously. She is bright, but she doesn’t excel naturally in all subjects, and I’m worried the school might start to pigeonhole her as the “social one” rather than someone with academic potential. Her friends are all high-achievers, and she’s starting to lose confidence, even asking if we should move her to a school that’s “less intense.” Should I address this with the school? Or would doing so risk them seeing her even more through this narrow lens?

Confused Mum

Dear Confused Mum,

You’re absolutely right to think carefully about how to approach this situation. Labels like “highly social” can sometimes feel dismissive, especially when they seem to overshadow a child’s academic potential. Your instincts to protect your daughter from being pigeonholed are spot on, particularly since her confidence appears to be wavering. The goal here is to ensure that the school sees her as a whole person with potential, not just as “the social one.”

Before speaking with the school, it may help to reflect on whether this is an isolated comment or part of a larger pattern. Does the report feel like a one-off remark, or do you see signs that the school may not fully recognise your daughter’s academic abilities? Sometimes comments like “highly social” are meant as positives—schools value students who contribute to the school community—but they can unintentionally diminish other qualities if not balanced with recognition of her intellectual strengths. You might ask your daughter how she feels about this label and whether this is something she’s heard before and how accurate she thinks it is.

This is also an opportunity to explore the potential connection between this statement and your daughter’s confidence and to explore her experience of the school environment more broadly. If her peers are high achievers and academic expectations are particularly intense, even if she is performing well overall, it would not be unusual for her to worry about falling behind.

If your daughter is talking about potentially moving schools, it is definitely worth a conversation with your current school. Framing the conversation constructively is key and you can start by saying how pleased you are that her engagement and enthusiasm were recognised in her report, before turning to concerns about her confidence and outlining a potential connection between these two things. The school may not be aware that your daughter’s confidence is wavering and will hopefully have ideas to support her, and they might also be able to help you understand your daughter’s academic progression more clearly. Some schools are very reluctant to answer questions about this and there can be a great dance around it, but often, if parents specifically request direct answers, schools will provide them. This can save time and frustration now and can help to avoid misunderstandings later.

Here are some questions you might ask, prefaced with a request for the school to be direct. How does my daughter’s progress compare with other students in her year? How does my daughter’s progress compare with other students in her year in X subject? In terms of academic results, CAT scores, etc., is my daughter in the top, middle, or bottom third of her year? Has there been a change in where she sits over the past two years? Are there certain subjects she sits higher or lower in? Are there academic areas where her ability and achievement are misaligned?

Having answers to these questions will help you to frame your next set of questions and to make the best possible decision for your daughter. Remember that at every school, there is a top, middle, and bottom third, and try to think about the bell curve and where your daughter’s school likely sits. In very academic schools, even the bottom third of students are way to the right side anyway, and after a certain point, it makes very little difference. There is no 10 on the GCSE and nothing above an A* on A Levels, and at highly competitive academic schools where most students will achieve top grades, having social skills and emotional intelligence can be just the thing to set a student apart in a positive way, and will really shine through in future interviews.

Answers to these questions can also help you to frame things for your daughter and to understand whether she will be able to recover her confidence at her current school. Some students do better in environments where they are a top performer and others do better when challenged by peers. One is not better than the other, but they may require different types of support. If it is possible, working with your daughter’s current school has the advantage of minimising disruption, which can also shake confidence. Moving schools is also no guarantee of recovered confidence even after your daughter settles in, as there are so many factors at play.

One thing you might raise during your conversation with the school is now your daughter’s strengths translate into academic success. For example, if she’s naturally collaborative or enthusiastic in group discussions, ask how those traits can be nurtured to enhance her performance in subjects where she may not excel naturally. Highlight areas where she has shown growth or potential, even if her results don’t yet reflect it fully. Creativity, resilience, and curiosity, can help to prepare your daughter for an academic leap forward, and if nothing else, this is an opportunity to better understand whether your school recognises this.

Your daughter’s request to move to a “less intense” school reflects her current struggle, and it’s important to acknowledge her feelings. This is also an opportunity to talk through the importance of working through hard things and of your commitment to working through those hard things together. Sometimes “struggling” in certain subjects can be rewarding over time and may not mean that she is less capable, and instead be an opportunity to develop new skills. You might also share some examples, maybe in your own life, of people who found their confidence later.

At the same time, help your daughter set small, achievable goals that allow her to see progress. This could involve focusing on specific topics within a subject she finds difficult or celebrating incremental improvements. Remind her that success is not about being the best at everything but about doing her best and finding her own path.

By supporting your daughter from several different directions, you are also advocating for her in the best possible way. The most effective schools recognise that students are more than just their results or social qualities—they’re complex individuals with untapped potential. With your support, your daughter can regain her confidence and continue growing, both academically and personally.

Warm regards,

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter is on the A Team of a netball team at a highly competitive senior school. She has always played on the top team at her schools and has always enjoyed support and confidence from her coaches and teammates. This is her third year at this school and her coach is very aggressive. I played netball too and even by the standards of the 1980’s, this coach is over the top. She constantly shouts at the girls without ever offering them encouragement or instruction and has completely unrealistic expectations about the amount of time they can dedicate to training. My daughter is also competitive in hockey and so missed some trainings that were described as optional and now her coach seems determined to punish her. I wrote to the head of sport about this conflict in advance and he assured me it would be fine and if anything, my daughter would be better off for balancing both. Unfortunately, her coach apparently does not share this view and is especially hard on my daughter. The coach shouts in her face, threatens to move her down to a lower team, and has already reduced her playing time and forced her to play in positions that disadvantage her. Other parents have noticed and commented, but no one wants to say anything, out of fear their child will be targeted next. Was I wrong to email the head of sport? Maybe the coach thinks I went above her head? And what do I do now? She will have a different coach next year, but the coaches are all friends and work together closely. My daughter is really suffering and I can’t imagine her making it through the rest of the season this way.

Desperate Netball Fan(atic)

Dear Desperate Netball Fan(atic),

Competitive sport should foster teamwork, resilience, and personal growth—not create an environment of intimidation or undue stress. Unfortunately, it is all too common for young athletes to have these experiences, even at top independent schools. There are a few different components to your question, so let’s break it down.

To start, although the netball coach may have preferred that your daughter discuss any hockey conflicts directly with her, you did not do anything wrong by contacting the head of sport. Your daughter should be able to play hockey and netball and have the school’s support in both. Given that the time conflict covered both hockey and netball, speaking to the head of sport seems entirely appropriate. You are right to consider the fact that the netball coach likely sees this differently. As independents struggle to come to grips with more parent involvement, sport is no exception. Many coaches feel that parents have become too involved and interfere and undermine their authority to benefit their child, but to the detriment of the team overall.

In some cases, this is a fair concern from coaches, who have seen a fairly extreme shift in a relatively short period of time. Many parents, even those with limited athletic experience, feel they know best, and, quite naturally, they are biased in favour of their own children. This can be frustrating for coaches who have some level of expertise and who feel they make decisions for the team overall, rather than favouring one player or another. More than this, many coaches worry that parental over involvement limits the opportunity for players to develop sport-related skills like time management and communication independently.

In terms of what to do next, it may be worth thinking about how these concerns are both related and separate. Raising concerns about how much playing time your child has, or a coach’s decision to change positions, will present different challenges to raising concerns about a coach engaging inappropriately with athletes or unreasonable expectations around time commitment or prioritisation. Typically coaches enjoy a very high degree of discretion in terms of managing their teams, so long as they stay within certain boundaries. To put it another way, many parents find it difficult to prove that coaches play one athlete more than another for any particular reason, and even where there may be a clear personality conflict, many feel that navigating this is just a part of the learning experience. It may be worth focusing your concerns, if you choose to raise them, on one thing to start, and making sure that thing is easy to prove and clearly at odds with reasonable expectations.

For now, document everything. Keep a detailed record of every incident and include specifics like dates, and what was said. Speak with other parents to better understand their positions and try to build support. If other parents share your concerns, it will be better to know this before you move forward. Listen to what parents who agree with you say, but pay special attention to what parents who do not share your concerns say. What do they feel are the merits of this particular coach? Is there any potential common ground? This will also help you determine whether a discussion with the coach directly might yield positive results, although given what you’ve shared, this seems unlikely.

The coach’s likely justifications and arguments, so you can prepare yourself, are likely to be something along the following: Decisions about playing time are made based on a number of factors including individual performance and team dynamics. There may be some attempt to support the decision solely based on performance, especially if your daughter has had limited playing time and been moved to positions less suited to her abilities, or an argument that it is a question of team dynamics, which will be difficult to counter, especially if the coach is unwilling to discuss other players for privacy reasons. Arguments about team dynamics may also include commentary on attitude and commitment, which may have some factual basis, but may also be entirely a matter of opinion.

You might arrange a meeting with the head of sport to discuss your concerns. Ask for a formal meeting rather than an email exchange so you can speak face to face and emphasise the impact on your daughter, but follow up that meeting with an email summarising what you discussed and agreed. Consider, in advance of that meeting, your expectations in terms of how things will proceed, and have a plan if your expectations are not met. There are any number of possibilities that will remain open to you, including a more formal escalation.

The reality is that in many cases, situations like these are difficult to resolve. Schools are reluctant to interfere with decisions that coaches make in terms of team rosters and playing time, especially if the team is successful. The likeliest outcome is probably a discussion with the coach about shouting and techniques that may be considered too aggressive, but there is every possibility the relationship between this coach and your daughter continues to deteriorate as a result. Other parents who have been in similar positions have asked for their children to be moved to another team until the following year, taken the season off and supplemented with private training, and in some rare cases, even moved schools.

The most important thing is to support your daughter. You only have so much control over what the coach decides or whether the head of sport supports you, but you can support your daughter and that will be the most important lesson she takes from this. This is one season in one sport and although for your daughter it feels like her whole world, because in some ways, it is her whole world, in the grand scheme of things, this will feel quite small if kept in its proper place.

Warm regards,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter just got her GCSE mock results back, and while some were as expected, a few were well below what we were hoping for. She’s truly devastated and keeps saying she’s “not good enough” to do well in the actual exams. Her teachers have reassured us that mocks are meant to be a learning experience, but I can see how much her confidence has taken a hit. How can I help her bounce back and approach the next few months with a positive mindset?

Trying To Be Supportive

Dear Trying To Be Supportive,

You are being supportive! That’s a great place to start—be kind to yourself and know that your daughter is watching and learning.

Mock exams are a double-edged sword: a valuable tool for preparation, but also an emotional rollercoaster for students, especially when results fail to align with their expectations. Your daughter’s disappointment is understandable—GCSEs feel enormous at this stage—but the good news is that mocks are exactly what her teachers have said: a learning experience, not a final judgment.

First, help your daughter reframe the purpose of mocks. They are not an indication of whether she’s “good enough,” but rather a diagnostic tool to identify strengths and areas for improvement. Even top-performing students rarely achieve their best in mocks, and it’s worth reminding her that many students see significant improvement between mocks and the real exams once they focus on addressing specific challenges.

You might offer some perspective and remind your daughter that she is not defined by one set of results. Share examples of other people who struggled with mocks and achieved high results on GCSEs and remind her that GCSE preparation is a marathon and not a sprint. Resilience in facing a setback is more important than the setback itself in the long term.

Next, come up with a plan for the next few months. Sit down with your daughter and go through the results together. What do the marks reveal about her understanding and ability to communicate that understanding? Which areas felt hardest? If your daughter is unsure and you can’t tell from the papers, ask her teachers for guidance. Understanding why certain results fell short will be important to creating a revision plan.

Collaborate with teachers and ask for practical suggestions. Many teachers will have specific target areas in mind and will have additional resources and strategies to offer. More than anything else, this is an opportunity for your daughter to hear directly from her teachers that this is one stage of a longer journey to exams and to reassure her.

Based on the above, create a realistic plan. Build a revision plan that prioritises the areas where your daughter struggled most. Break the work into manageable pieces and balance periods of intense focus with breaks. Be strategic in building this plan and remember that revising smarter, not longer, will give her an advantage. If there are skills that overlap between subjects, these might be a higher priority because they could provide a higher return, but you should also consider what your daughter plans to study at A Levels. Many schools will only offer A Level places to students who receive some set mark in that specific subject, and this should also be a consideration.

Equally as important as developing this plan, try to boost your daughter’s confidence. She needs to remember that she can do this. Highlight her strengths, whether it’s subjects where she did well, skills like perseverance, or moments where she overcame challenges before. Celebrate small wins during revision, like mastering a tricky topic or improving her timing on practice papers, and emphasise the importance of the journey itself.

Many students will feel disappointed by their mock exam scores and this is natural, but try to keep the focus on the future. Help your daughter see setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than failures, and emphasise that this mindset is essential to success on the GCSEs, but also well beyond. The pressure to do well on GCSEs can be extremely intense, so remind her that although these exams are important, they are not the sole determiner of her future success.

Encourage your daughter to look after herself during this time and lead by example. Sleep, healthy eating, and exercise can be overlooked but can make a world of difference in energy levels and focus. Your daughter is not alone—many students feel the way she does after mocks. With your support and encouragement, she can achieve her potential in the summer.

Warm regards,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son has always struggled with time management, and his GCSE mock results reflect that—he didn’t even finish some of the papers. He’s now saying he “just doesn’t test well” and that there’s no point trying harder because he’ll never finish on time. I know he’s capable, but I don’t know how to help him turn this around before the real exams. Should I be looking for additional support, or is there something I can do to help him develop better exam techniques?

Frustrated Mum

Dear Frustrated Mum,

Time management in exams can be a challenging skill to master, but is absolutely something that can be improved with the right strategies and support. Your son’s frustration, and your own frustration, is understandable. Feeling like he “just doesn’t test well” might be a defensive response to the stress of underperforming. However, this mindset risks becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, so it will be important to support his confidence and his practical approach to exams.

Here are some ideas about how to help him to turn this around:

Reframe the narrative. Time management is a skill and not a fixed ability. No one is born knowing how to manage their time; this is learned through trial and error, and is an obvious and fairly straightforward way to improve outcomes. Reassure your son that high marks are as much about strategy as they are about knowledge. That may not feel fair and can be frustrating, especially for students who know the material well, but that is how GCSE exams are designed. Many students face this same challenge and make huge improvements over a relatively short period of time.

Analyse what went wrong together. Were there specific sections he spent too much time on? Did he spend too much time on questions worth relatively few points and not enough on those with more weight? Did he get stuck on difficult questions early on? If your son is not sure, consider speaking with his teachers. This will also provide an opportunity for him to receive direct feedback and advice from them.

Work on time management skills. There are tutors who focus solely or mainly on this if you need support, but there are several strategies you can work on.

1. Practice past papers with a timer. Often when students struggle with time management this can become a source of stress and they tend to avoid timed practice. This puts them at a further disadvantage because it really is a skill that has to develop with practice. Obviously if anxiety around this is severe, you might consider additional support and exploring the issue further, but in many cases short, timed practices can boost confidence.

2. Plan before writing. For essay-based subjects, encourage your son to spend the first few minutes outlining answers. This can feel counterintuitive, especially where a young person struggles to have enough time, but can save time and help to keep answers focused. The best way to demonstrate this is through practice.

3. Learn to move on. Rather than getting stuck on a question early on, encourage your son to leave it, move on, and come back to it if there is time. This will allow him to spend time on questions where he has a greater potential to earn marks.

4. Allocate time by marks. If a paper has a possible 60 marks and 65 minutes to complete it, your son might consider allocating one minute for each potential mark and allowing five minutes to review. If a question is potentially worth 12 marks, he can plan to spend roughly 12 minutes total on that question, and 4 minutes total on a question worth 4 marks. This does not have to be exact, but can be a good starting point for determining time allocation.

In some cases, parents will discover that additional support is appropriate. Start with your son’s existing teachers, who will already be familiar with his work, but you might also consider a tutor or exam access arrangements if he really struggles or you don’t see improvements. Confidence is key, so remember to keep it positive and to set realistic goals.

With your support and a clear plan, your son has plenty of time to turn this around before the summer. Time management is a learnable skill, and the progress he makes now will benefit him not only in his GCSEs but in every academic and professional challenge that comes next.

Warm regards,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

Mock exam results were returned last week and we met with teachers to discuss this morning. Our son received phenomenal marks and predictions, despite putting very little effort into revising. We tried to encourage and persuade him and even confiscated his phone for a set period of time each day, but we would find him napping or sketching in his journal. His tutor suggested that this would likely resolve itself when mock results came out and give him the shock he needed to get serious, but the opposite has happened. I know I should be glad he scored so highly and this probably sounds like an odd worry, but in the past we have seen him become overly confident and then perform poorly, and I’m worried the same could happen on the actual exams. I tried to raise this with his teachers, who all seemed confused. By the end I felt like I was speaking a foreign language. It will be very difficult to convince our son to revise at all now and will only reaffirm the idea that he knows everything, but I’m genuinely concerned that his attitude is putting his future at risk. What should we do?

Know-Nothing Parents

Dear Know-Nothing Parents,

Congratulations to you and your son! Undeniably a reason to celebrate, but I also understand your concern, and just to reassure you, we have all felt like know-nothing parents, and some of us spent decades wearing that badge with pride!

Although very likely developmentally normal, your son’s apparent overconfidence along with a reluctance to engage in meaningful revision could risk undermining the very success that he is so close to achieving. This is a delicate situation, and I suspect your instincts are spot on that ignoring this issue now could lead to challenges down the line.

Your approach may need to shift away from the mechanics of revision and toward helping your son see the bigger picture. Try framing the discussion around the unpredictability of exams. Even the brightest students can be caught off guard by unexpected questions or the pressures of the day. Revision is not about proving what he already knows, but about preparing him for the moments and things he did not (and could not) expect. Highlight how preparation can make even the most challenging questions manageable and provide him with the confidence to tackle the unexpected.

Your son may also be looking for a new challenge. Challenge him to explore more complex material or advanced topics related to his subjects. This isn’t about reviewing what he’s already mastered but pushing his understanding further, which may appeal to his natural confidence and competitive spirit. Speak with his teachers to see if they can provide enrichment opportunities or additional resources that might excite him, or ask if there is something he’s interested in and would like to explore separately from his ordinary coursework. Timed practice exams are another valuable tool and provide a different kind of input that some students find more engaging. Past papers under exam conditions may hold your son’s attention better at this stage and will offer valuable revision opportunities. Finally, for some people, gamification can really make a difference. I always suggest this with some caution, because it can become too much, but many parents and educators have said this can be key with this generation. Apps like Quizlet, which track progress, send reminders, and allow students to compete with friends (or not) can be a great option, but many of these apps also present a risk of distraction.

Confidence is a great thing, but overconfidence can be tricky to manage, especially as parents. Acknowledge his strengths and celebrate his mock success, but gently remind him that the journey is ongoing. The stakes are higher now, and even small adjustments could make a significant difference. Try to frame revision as a means of cementing his impressive achievements rather than as a reflection of doubt in his abilities. You might also help him to understand that GCSEs are not just about earning grades for the moment but also about building skills he’ll need later, whether at A-level or university. The habits he forms now—managing time, staying disciplined, and being thorough—are as critical as the knowledge he gains.

This is also a great opportunity to step back slightly and allow your son to take more ownership of his preparation. While it’s natural to want to intervene, he’s more likely to respond positively if he feels the process is his to manage. Offer to help him set a schedule or find resources but let him decide how to implement them. If your concerns continue or grow, a trusted teacher or tutor can sometimes bridge the gap. An external voice might be able to convey the same message in a way your son is more willing to consider.

Ultimately, your son’s strong mock performance is a sign of his potential, and your concern shows how deeply invested you are in helping him succeed. Worrying is natural and likely unavoidable, and try to keep the pressure manageable and the tone collaborative. If your son feels supported he’s more likely to meet you halfway.

With your encouragement and a clear plan, he’s well-positioned to succeed—not just in his exams but in developing the skills and mindset that will serve him well into the future.

Warm regards,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son’s current school seems to have very set ideas about which future schools he should consider. I understand that he may not be an academic superstar, but he is very bright and only 11. He has cousins at Eton and Harrow and I can picture him at either school, but I also don’t want him to be disappointed if he applies and is rejected. To what extent should our search be guided by our school? Can our current school intervene to get a positive outcome or provide a negative reference to hurt his chances?

Kind regards,
Future Focused Mum

Dear Future Focused Mum,

It sounds like you feel torn between respecting your school’s current guidance and advocating for your son’s potential to explore all possible options. Let’s break it down a bit.

Your current school’s role in this process is to support and advise. Most prep schools have long-established relationships with senior schools and have some member or members of staff who have a developed sense of which schools are a good fit for which pupils. This sort of expertise really can be invaluable, particularly when it comes to understanding nuances like admissions processes, academic expectations, and social environments. However, it’s important to remember that their recommendations are just that: recommendations. They are not definitive statements about your son’s ability or worth.

Some future schools advisors are more knowledgeable and experienced than others, and some have a better sense of what future schools are really looking for and which kinds of students thrive when admitted. To further complicate things, these schools are constantly changing and it can be difficult to keep up, especially where a prep school sends students to many different schools, and to complicate things even more, some school advisors are more focused on what might be best for the school’s reputation overall than what might be best for your child in particular.

To put it another way, no one will ever have your child’s best interests at heart more than you do, and it is unlikely that anyone else knows your child better than you do, so although it is important to be informed and to consider all valuable or potentially valuable advice, in the end, you should follow your own instinct. If you have family members with children at schools you’re considering, speak with them about the application process and also about the school experience itself, visit the schools, and speak with other parents in your current school about their application processes and how valuable they found the future school advice to be.

All of that said, there may be good reasons your future school advisor is suggesting an alternative pathway. Admissions at top schools like Eton and Harrow are becoming more and more competitive and expectations around academic performance in particular are rising steeply. Students who were admitted without concern a few years ago might now find it difficult to secure a spot on the wait list, and this is resulting in an increased level of anxiety amongst students.

You might also have a somewhat direct conversation with your future school advisor. What concerns do they have specifically? Are there areas they feel your son might struggle? Could extra support make a difference? Demonstrating a willingness to work with the school and a commitment to one future school in particular may lead to more insights and collaboration.

In terms of how much sway your current school might have, that really depends. Senior school admissions are intentionally opaque and the independent school community is relatively small with a complex web of relationships. There are even cases of headteachers at one prep school sitting on the board of governors at a senior school. Prep schools that send a large number of students to a school each year might be able to intervene in a fairly substantial way, but it is unlikely they would do so to the detriment of your son, if only because it would reflect quite negatively on them.

It might also be a good time to have an open conversation with your son about this process. It’s a great opportunity to help him frame the experience as finding the right fit rather than acceptance or rejection, and to assure him that you will support him in finding the right school for him. Eton and Harrow are both great schools, but they are very different schools that tend to work for very different types of boys, and there are a long list of great schools in between. Finding the right school is about more than prestige or family tradition; it’s about choosing a place where your son will feel challenged, supported, happy, and accepted. It’s a process, but it sounds like you are well on your way and we are always here to help.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son is incredibly happy and settled at Eton, but now that we’re looking at schools for my daughter, her options suffer by comparison. Is there an option for girls that is Eton’s equivalent?

Best Wishes,
Eton for Girls 2025?!

Dear Eton for Girls 2025?!,

Your handle did make me laugh, thank you for that! This is actually a question we’ve heard before, and it’s one that touches on broader differences in how education has historically developed in the UK. The short answer is that there is no “Eton equivalent” for girls, but that does not mean there are no extraordinary options for girls, only that they may be extraordinary in different ways.

If that sounds like a copout, it is. Apologies.

There is no school like Eton, and if you measure every school you see against Eton, those schools will continue to suffer, not because those schools aren’t amazing, but because those schools are designed to serve a different purpose.

Eton’s reputation rests not just on its academic rigor or facilities, but also on its deep connections to centuries of tradition and influence. Historically, schools like Eton were designed to prepare boys for leadership roles in a highly stratified society, fostering a network that would carry them into elite positions in government and the broader world. Girls’ education in the UK developed along different lines, often focusing on character, cultural knowledge, and domestic preparation until relatively recently. Coeducational schools largely started as single-sex schools like Eton and while some have consciously made changes to cater to young women, many have simply opened dorms for female students and called it a day.

That said, there are schools for girls that stand out for their history, ethos, and achievements, even if they don’t share every aspect of Eton’s identity, and there are coeducational institutions that have done the work to meaningfully adapt to be a place where young women can thrive. In terms of exceptional schools for girls, many parents look to Wycombe Abbey, Cheltenham Ladies’, St. Mary’s Calne, Benenden, and Downe House. For coeducational options outside of London, parents often consider Wellington College, Rugby School, Brighton College, or Sevenoaks School.

Rather than seeking a carbon copy of Eton, it might help to shift the focus to what makes Eton such a good fit for your son and how those qualities might translate to a school for your daughter. Is it the academic challenge? The facilities? The traditions? The sense of belonging to something bigger? Once you’ve identified what resonates most, you can assess whether the schools you’re considering for your daughter offer comparable opportunities, albeit in their own unique way.

It’s worth noting that girls often thrive in environments that emphasise collaboration, flexibility, and holistic development—qualities many top girls’ schools excel at. While these schools might not have Eton’s iconic name or centuries-old rituals, they often provide an equally powerful platform for success, equipping their students with the skills, confidence, and connections to excel in a rapidly changing world.

In the end, the “Eton equivalent” for your daughter may not look exactly like Eton—but that doesn’t mean it won’t feel just as extraordinary for her.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter has had her best friend inside of a larger group of friends since they were in year three. Last year, a new girl joined the school and their friendship group. Basically, this new friend is now very close with my daughter’s best friend and my daughter frequently feels left out. It’s really hurting her sense of self and she’s becoming more and more isolated. My daughter and her best friend planned to attend the same senior school, while the rest of their friendship group planned to attend another. Now this new friend is going to attend the school my daughter has been dreaming about attending and will even be in the same dorm with her and her best friend. I know three can be a hard number under the best of circumstances and I cannot see a way this ends well for my daughter. Would I be OTT to consider switching senior schools?

Kind regards,
OTT Mum

Dear OTT Mum,

It can be really painful to watch our children navigate the complexities of friendship, especially when long-standing bonds unexpectedly shift. Your instinct to protect your daughter is understandable and entirely natural. This is also the beginning of a period of transition between prep and senior school for parents and children that can make emotions feel especially heightened and challenging, so before you seriously consider switching schools, let’s unpack the situation and weigh your options.

It is so true that three can be a challenging number in friendships, especially during adolescence. It’s common for one person to feel excluded or sidelined, even when everyone has the best of intentions. It’s also common for this to shift, as friendships are in flux during this period, so that right now your daughter might feel left out and in a few months it might be one of the other girls who feels the same, or maybe one of the other girls (or both) feel the same right now.

The transition to senior school also tends to shift friendships in significant ways. This period of development is about self-discovery and exploration, and it can be difficult to do that with a best friend who is doing the same, but inevitably at a different pace and at times in different directions. That is not to say these friendships must end, only that they are likely to change and evolve. As intimidating and overwhelming as that can sound, in this case, it might be a positive, because it will provide your daughter a wider pool of peers and an opportunity to form new connections.

Considering an alternative senior school option is always a possibility, but keep in mind what made you decide on this school to begin with, and consider whether this is enough to neutralise that reasoning. If the decision was made simply to keep your daughter with her friend, it may be worth exploring alternative options, but if there were other pull factors, try to remember them and give them due consideration. Your daughter’s feelings will be important, especially if this is her dream school. Ultimately, she will be the one who lives with this decision every day, and it will be important that it not feel like a punishment of some kind.

If you and your daughter decide to stay the course, you might encourage your daughter to make new connections before she starts and to further expand her friendship circle. It might also help to build her confidence and sense of independence by focusing on her unique interests, so she feels less tied to one friendship. Finally, it may be worth communicating with the senior school now to let them know you feel concerned. They might be able to offer some advice or even to help make some new connections.

This advice may sound overly reasonable given how you feel now, but trust me, it’s only because I’ve been there. It’s tempting to try to fix the situation immediately, but challenges like these, as difficult as they are, can also help children learn resilience, empathy, and independence. If your daughter feels strongly about attending her dream school, this could be an opportunity to support her in navigating a tricky situation and coming out stronger on the other side.

All of that said, if your daughter feels that switching schools would genuinely offer her a better environment, it is absolutely not OTT to consider it. Just be sure that you make the decision together and that the new school offers as much promise as the one you’re considering leaving.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We’ve made the difficult decision, in part because of the VAT fee, to move our two children to more affordable schools next year. We’ve discussed it with the children and they understand. Their biggest worry was what people would say about them at their current school. My daughter especially seems to think that if we don’t provide an explanation, there will be some drama. I really would rather not discuss it, but I don’t want to make things harder for my children, I feel guilty enough. What should I do?

Best wishes,
Clumsily Navigating Change

Dear Clumsily Navigating Change,

Deciding to move your children to more affordable schools is not something you should feel guilty about. This is a thoughtful and responsible choice, and one that reflects your priorities as a family. You have clearly approached this issue with care and involved your children in the discussion, which are testaments to your strength and consideration as a parent.

That said, it is natural to worry about how this transition might affect them socially and emotionally. You are absolutely entitled to keep the details private, but there are ways to approach these conversations that might ease the process for your children and reduce the likelihood of unnecessary drama.

You do not need to explain the financial considerations behind your decision, but it can help to have a simple, positive narrative for your children to share. Something like, “We decided as a family that X school is a better fit for us moving forward.”

If pressed for specifics, your children can always say, “It’s just what we decided as a family,” and shift the conversation to what they’re excited about at their new schools.

This framing reinforces that the decision was made for positive reasons and helps your children feel more confident in discussing it, without them feeling they need to defend or explain your family’s choices. I have seen this work so well for one family that in the end several other families seriously considered making the same move—not for financial reasons, but because they were convinced they were missing something and were afraid of being left behind.

Your daughter’s worries, no matter how well this strategy works, are natural too. Social circles and standing at school can be incredibly intense and for many young people, it is their biggest and most important experience to date, so it really does feel like their whole world. Reassure your daughter that this decision is about what’s best for your family and that her real friends will understand this. You might also help her to prepare some responses to prying questions and add some humour if it feels appropriate. Remind her that while there may be some chatter initially, most students will be focused on their own lives and dramas and new chatter will quickly and unceremoniously replace it.

You can also acknowledge to your children that moving schools is a big change and that they might feel nervous or self-conscious. This can help to validate their feelings and to connect you and provide an opportunity to process your feelings together and to support each other. Situations like this provide opportunities to lead by example, so thinking carefully about your own boundaries in terms of what you share and with whom will be really important.

Finally, remind your children that this is a fresh start and a chance to make new friends, explore new opportunities, and grow in a different environment. Think with them about exciting aspects of their new schools and encourage them to focus on what’s ahead rather than worrying too much about what’s left behind.

Transitions like these are rarely easy, but you can navigate it together, and by this time next year, feel fully settled and confident about your future.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

A few weeks ago my daughter’s boarding school announced a significant shift in their technology policy. My sense is that it was a reaction to a vocal group of parents who wanted to see the school do something as extreme as Eton and concerns that they raised. I do understand the need for reasonable oversight and I have been supportive of efforts to encourage healthy use and limits, but this sudden shift, especially for older students, feels like too much. My daughter and her friends also feel it’s unfair to bounce them back to restrictions they had their very first year, and in some ways even more restrictions, in their third year of school, just as many of them are turning 16. It has only been a few weeks, but I’m sympathetic to their view and also struggling with the shift in communication frequency myself. It also feels like the policy punishes students who had healthier relationships with their devices to begin with and the students who were breaking the old rules will simply continue to do so. I’m trying to stay positive for my daughter, but I’m inclined to agree with her that this abrupt change, without meaningful consultation, was unfair and poorly considered. They made the change because of loud voices on one side, is it worth adding a voice to the other?

– Throat Clearing Mum

Dear Throat Clearing Mum,

Your instincts here are absolutely worth trusting, and you’re not alone in your frustrations. Many schools are trying to find the right balance with technology, and policies can quickly veer into extremes—either too lenient or overly restrictive—especially in response to loud voices advocating for immediate changes. It’s understandable that your daughter, particularly at her age, would feel resentful about an abrupt reversal in a rule that she has likely adapted to over time, especially if it’s one that doesn’t reflect her own responsible use of devices.

It sounds like your school may have leaned heavily on a “one-size-fits-all” solution rather than consulting parents and students or piloting a phased approach. Policies like these, when implemented broadly, do tend to punish those who were already managing technology use responsibly, and you’re right that it’s often the more determined rule-breakers who find ways around the new restrictions anyway.

Given that the new policy has already taken effect, it’s worth considering how best to advocate for a recalibration rather than an immediate reversal. It might be helpful to reach out in a measured way, perhaps to your daughter’s housemistress, HM, or the Deputy Head overseeing pastoral care, to express your support for balanced limits, while also raising the concerns you mentioned—especially how the policy has impacted responsible students and those who previously had healthy boundaries. If there’s enough feedback that reinforces the need for a more nuanced approach, the school may be open to adjustments. Even if they don’t change course immediately, adding a reasoned, supportive voice to this conversation may help prompt more meaningful consultations in the future.

It might help to frame it around your ability to have regular communication with your daughter as well, and this is one argument that may yield some immediate results. Most schools do not want to complicate or limit contact with home and will sometimes make narrow exceptions to facilitate more frequent contact.

In the meantime, it may be helpful to let your daughter know that these policies often reflect broader concerns about school reputation and external pressures rather than a critique of students themselves. You’re clearly committed to helping her navigate the changes in a positive way, which is likely to make the adjustment feel more manageable, even if it’s frustrating for now.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My boys are wonderful and terrible and I love them and miss them when they’re away and they drive me nearly insane when they’re home. My oldest sits A Levels this year, my middle son sits GCSEs, and my youngest started flexi-boarding before he joins a full boarding school next year. I thought we had a good balance of guidance and warmth, but lately I feel completely disrespected and taken for granted. I am chauffeur, bank account, and personal assistant, and more and more frequently the punch line of their jokes. Recently I discovered that my youngest son, at the urging of my middle son, went into my phone and changed my bank app settings to increase pocket money for all three boys each week. It was not a huge amount and honestly, if they had asked for an increase, I probably would have just done it. My husband laughed it off and said this is all normal and implied I was taking it too personally. I really have tried to laugh these things off, but they are starting to pile up and I wonder increasingly whether I have done them a disservice and am setting them up to be spoiled, nasty young men. Am I overreacting? How do I know if I’m doing any of this the right way?

Best wishes,
A Loving (and Slightly Resentful) Servant

Dear Loving (and Slightly Resentful) Servant,

It sounds like you’re at the tipping point between a warm household with healthy banter and something edging towards entitlement and disrespect, especially with the bank app incident. Let’s look at this objectively: your boys are growing up in a world where they are frequently encouraged to push boundaries, be competitive, and sometimes get away with things at school that might feel light-hearted there but cross lines at home. Many students struggle with this transition, whether they board or are day students, and many families find this especially challenging when there is a high stress event (like exams) on the horizon.

Right now you’re navigating multiple transitions with their exams, boarding, and growing independence, all of which likely stir up friction and test boundaries—especially around respect and responsibility. This is the perfect moment to establish firmer expectations for how they relate to you, not just as their mother, but as a person whose boundaries and trust deserve respect. Let’s break this down into a few areas to consider:

The “Bank App” incident (or Bankappgate, if you’ll indulge me): As clever as your boys might have felt orchestrating this, it was a breach of trust. They know it, and if you handle this carefully, it can be a useful learning opportunity for them. Quietly reinforce that what they did was unacceptable because it was sneaky, not because you’re unwilling to discuss pocket money or give them some leeway when they’re open and respectful. This could be a time for a family discussion about money management, so they feel more involved while understanding boundaries.

Changing relationships: Your boys need to see that as they grow up, the expectations for mutual respect grow too. You might start with the positives and think about the many great things that come with more adult relationships with your children. Talking with your sons about what you look forward to might help them to think about what they look forward to, and potentially what they might be afraid of. This can be a good starting point to talk about how to get from here to there, and the role boundaries will play in that transition.

Banter: If you’ve always enjoyed a light-hearted household, you don’t need to end the fun, but you can be clear about when jokes cross a line. Teaching your sons to recognise this line will serve them well outside your home, too, and will foster self-awareness. If you feel they’re treating you like the “punch line” too often, you can say so in the moment, and then have a longer conversation separately to explain your feelings.

Partner with your partner: It will be much better to make these changes with support from your husband. He may mean well, but if his laughter downplays or trivialises your feelings, it risks giving the boys the impression that this behaviour is acceptable. Share your perspective with him, explaining that it’s not so much about the incident itself as it is about how it’s made you feel—and that without some reflection, the risk is that the boys take that same attitude into the wider world. Ask for his support in setting these boundaries to help reinforce the message and ask that he sometimes take the lead.

Finally, trust that you are doing things right. The fact that you’re reflecting on your parenting this way speaks volumes. You’re clearly invested in guiding your boys, and they are undoubtedly learning a lot from you, even if they sometimes push boundaries. Keep doing what you’re doing, but stand firm where it matters, and they’ll come away from this phase with a stronger sense of respect, responsibility, and self-awareness.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

I accidentally on purpose overheard a conversation between my son and two of his friends. The chat was a bit hard to follow, as I don’t speak Gen Z with anything approaching fluency, but I’m fairly certain one of the boys implied that my son is gay, not in an insulting way, but as a matter of fact, and the conversation carried on as if this were old news. I was a bit stunned, as we discuss all kinds of things and are very open with each other, but I have never had any hint or indication that this might be the case. My feelings are not what I thought they would be. I’m scared, worried, confused, and strangely sad. I’ve found myself spinning from one emotion to the next and back again. I need more information and then some time to process, but one thing I keep thinking about is how his boarding school would react if they knew and whether we’re under any obligation to them. On the one hand I feel they should know so they can supervise, on the other I worry he may face discrimination.

Best wishes,
Guilty Conscience

Dear Guilty Conscience,

First, take a deep breath—you’ve had a bit of a jolt. You care deeply about your son, and what you heard has left you feeling unsettled. Your feelings—whether fear, confusion, or worry—are part of processing this new perspective on your son’s life, one that perhaps you weren’t prepared for, and that’s okay. Let’s break this down in a way that hopefully gives you a bit of peace of mind.

Give yourself some space to process this. Your reaction is entirely understandable, and it’s very common for parents to feel a wave of mixed emotions when they think they’ve discovered something important about their child, especially as personal as sexuality. Be gentle with yourself as you move through these feelings. Allowing yourself this space will better enable you to love and support your son better too.

There is no immediate need to act. For the moment, your son has not chosen to share this with you, and even though your relationship is open, he may be working through this in his own way. Trust that he will talk with you when he’s ready. You have already built a strong foundation with him—keep fostering that openness, and he will likely come to you in his own time. After you’ve had some time to do your own processing, if you feel able, you can also actively create moments that facilitate sharing. Whether you do this and what it looks like will really depend on your relationship, but sometimes parents find that sharing something surprising about their own lives that requires some level of vulnerability can be a good starting point.

Concerns about the school’s reaction are understandable, but you are under no obligation to disclose this information to anyone. Schools do not require updates on students’ sexual orientation unless there is some specific pastoral need, and your son deserves the same privacy as every other student. If, at some point, he wants the school to know or needs extra support, or you have a genuine safeguarding concern, that’s another matter, but not one that requires headspace right now.

When and if you and your son do decide whether to disclose this information to the school, your son may need additional support. Many schools are well-equipped to handle diverse identities and they often have robust policies in place to prevent discrimination and provide support. Your son will likely have some sense of how safe and supported he would feel in this environment, and you can be prepared to advocate for him if necessary. For now, try not to let fear drive you. Your son has not asked for intervention, and most boarding schools today are far more progressive and protective than they once were.

Your love for your son is clear, and that’s what matters most in the long run. Continue to be the caring, understanding parent you have always been, and trust that he will share his journey with you as he feels ready. Until then, focus on staying connected, being there for him, and preparing yourself for this potential conversation.

Take comfort in knowing that you’re already doing the right things. With time, you’ll find your way through this together, and you’ll be able to support him however he needs. Give yourself the same compassion you would offer anyone else in your shoes—this is uncharted territory, but you’re navigating it with love, which is all he’ll ever need from you.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

This is slightly embarrassing, but I’m having trouble connecting with other mums. I drop off and pick up every day, say hello, try to engage, attend every school event, but after six months, I feel like I’ve hit a wall. Everyone is polite, but no one seems to remember me from one meeting to the next and I feel so awkward reintroducing myself that I’m starting to feel anxious about these encounters. My son is really happy at school and has been included in a handful of birthday parties, but he has never been invited to anything that did not extend to his entire class. I know this is my fault, as he seems to be genuinely well-liked by his classmates, and I have no idea how to fix it. What can I do?

Socially Awkward Parent

Dear Socially Awkward Parent,

It’s great that your son is doing well and making his own connections and you can lean into that. Take the initiative and invite a child or children for playdates, and maybe even invite parents to stay for coffee, tea, or a glass of wine.

Above all, be patient. School communities can take time, especially when groups seem well-established. But with each small interaction, familiarity grows, and the sense of connection will come. Keep showing up, keep making the effort, and these connections will very likely start to fall into place more naturally.

If all else fails, consider adding a puppy to your life. Seriously you would be amazed by the number of friendships that have started because one adult falls in love with another adult’s dog. It works because it’s low pressure and most people are just as awkward (or more awkward) than you are. If a dog is more than you can commit to, try a goldfish and invite classmates (and parents) to meet the new pet, or try something else outside of the box.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We received our son’s first report from his new school just before half-term. This is his first year boarding and he seems to be doing well overall. The report gives little information, but the information it did provide, was concerning, and describes a child I barely recognise. Apparently not only is he frequently late or otherwise unprepared for class, but his scores for effort and attitude were shockingly low. My son says this is to be expected the first year and his tutor warned them their reports would look this way to help motivate them. I have no reason to doubt my son, but it seems strange that they would give such negative reports without cause. I would like to write to my son’s HM, but when I suggested it my son said that would be embarrassing and and making a big deal out of nothing. Is this really a common approach to first year reports? What should I do? 

Confused Mum

Dear Confused Mum,

Feeling taken aback by a negative report, especially when it seems out of step with your son’s usual behaviour, is understandable. Reports with lower-than-expected scores are not unheard of, especially in the early days of Year 9. Students are adjusting to new routines and academic standards, and often balancing a new environment along with internal changes. We frequently hear from parents who are surprised and concerned by these initial reports and who have questions about what reports really mean and how the various number and letter scales work. Definitely do not panic.

One challenge is that so many senior schools use difference scales and even measure different things. Some schools focus on effort only until mock exams, others consider ambition, or preparation, and some will include assessment scores. The best reports we see allow for students to assess themselves and receive feedback from teachers, including any relevant assessments, but most parents will not know what reports look like until they receive them. We have also seen a number of schools shift how reports measure progress over the past few years and every time there is a change, it takes time for teaching staff to fully understand it and align their reports. Even where schools maintain the same reporting systems, it is not uncommon to see large swings between departments and sometimes even within the same department.

All of that said, a report describing consistent lateness, lack of preparation, and poor attitude deserves attention. To start, try to get curious. What does your son thinks motivates these types of comments? Does your son agree with the reports? If so, is it possible your son simply misunderstood expectations?

Your son’s initial explanation suggests that his school may be using these reports as a motivational tool and this does happen. Some schools issue tough first reports with the aim of setting clear standards and encouraging students to take their studies more seriously. This approach, though, is increasingly uncommon and controversial; it risks creating unnecessary stress or even undermining a student’s self-confidence, especially if there is no clear guidance for improvement. Of course, none of this is likely to change the way your son’s school uses assessments, but it may provide some peace of mind.

Whether you reach out to your son’s HM or tutor first will depend on your relationship and your son’s relationship and comfort with them. If your son is worried about raising a concern with his HM, it will be important to understand why, and whether there are things you can do to mitigate his concerns. When you do have a conversation with your son’s HM or tutor, like with your son, approach the conversation from a place of curiosity and emphasise that you want to support your son’s progress and adjustment. This will often lead to a more open conversation around the school’s expectations and whether your son’s report is typical for new students or not.

Whatever you learn from that conversation, you might focus on how to support your son interpret the report constructively. Acknowledge his transition to a more challenging environment and discuss practical strategies for managing time and organisation. Think together about small changes that might make a difference.

If the conversation confirms your son’s sense about these reports, that will likely be enough for now. On the other hand, if your son’s tutor or HM suggests that these behaviours are genuinely concerning, you might consider asking for more information about how your son is adjusting overall. You might also discuss any additional support the school offers for first-year students, which will often include study skills sessions or peer mentoring.

While your son may feel this is “making a big deal out of nothing,” addressing concerns early on can prevent larger issues down the line. A direct, constructive approach that involves him as an active participant, and ideally as the lead voice, is often the best way to support his adjustment. Schools should be partners in this process, and you should feel comfortable approaching them with questions.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son was involved in an incident, and unfortunately there is a video. This is a lot to explain, but the short version is that his History teacher had the class stand up and recite Nazi chats on two different occasions. The second time it happened, another student took a video and shared it with other student groups. We have had no communication from the school, other than an email saying that this teacher has elected to take early retirement after an incredible career. My son is very relaxed and does not seem to understand that there is now a video of him doing a Nazi chant on the internet. I have so many concerns I’m not sure where to start. First, that my son would participate in something like this at all, or that a teacher at this school would suggest it. The school is aware of what happened, obviously, and even questioned several of the students, but has not shared any of this with parents. My son thinks this is common practice and has been going on for years and the only reason there is any issue is because of the video. Now my son will have a new History teacher, six months before GCSEs, so I’m also worried about that. My son thinks I’m overreacting, but when I shared with a friend who has children at another school, she was as horrified as I was. What should I do?

Best wishes,

Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Your concern(s) are absolutely merited. The situation you describe is alarming on many levels, and it is entirely reasonable to expect clear communication from the school about the incident, especially given its gravity and the apparent involvement of other students. The fact that your son is downplaying it is unsurprising—students may not fully grasp the implications of participating in or even being associated with something like this, especially when it feels “common practice” to them. Adolescents also commonly resist seeing certain issues as serious, particularly if their peers share that view or if they feel implicated themselves, almost as a sort of defense mechanism.

There are three main areas here that deserve attention: understanding what happened in class, assessing the school’s response, and helping your son understand the potential impact of his involvement.

First, you are entitled to understand the classroom context that led to this incident. It is highly concerning that any teacher would consider this to be an appropriate exercise under any circumstances, but it will be important to understand just how far outside of bounds this was. Were there any contextual boundaries? What was the framing? Is this really common practice within the department? While schools will often minimise incidents like this and sometimes hesitate to share details, if you do not get the answers you need, escalation is entirely justified given the seriousness of this issue.

Beyond the incident itself, schools have a responsibility to address sensitive issues like this transparently, particularly when there is a digital record that could impact reputations. Silence on the specifics, coupled with the abrupt retirement announcement, does not absolve them of providing guidance or support to affected families. While it is likely that Senior Leadership and likely even the Head of School are already involved, a letter setting out your disappointment and concern with the lack of communication, may help to put things into perspective. Schools will often work hard to keep incidents like this quiet, but this should never be at the expense of students, and there is no real way to prevent students from discussing these things. The school should be talking about this openly so that students can receive support if they need it.

Finally, although your son may feel his actions were just part of the lesson, it’s important that he understands a video like this will be interpreted outside of that context and environment. It is unfair that young people have such limited privacy and have to worry about their every mistake being recorded on video and potentially used against them later in life, but it is also a fact of life in 2024. This is an opportunity to understand what your son was thinking and feeling while this incident happened. Was he uncomfortable in the moment? Confused? Does he understand why his participation was problematic? Helping him to take ownership of his part in the incident, without shame – this is a learning opportunity, will also give him agency.

The academic impact of this change should be minimal, but you should also feel free to raise any concerns with your son’s tutor. Schools tend to be responsive to concerns around exam preparation, especially where there is teacher turnover and really especially in a situation like this one, but may not actively offer additional support without a specific request.

You are absolutely not overreacting. Raising these concerns calmly and firmly with the school is part of advocating for your son’s education, wellbeing, and future, and your son’s school should be receptive and responsive.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter recently told us that she wants to focus on drama and does not think a traditional academic path would suit her. She has always been very creative and athletic, but is also very bright and does well academically. I want to encourage and support her to pursue drama, but I also worry that she might be selling herself short, because she has a very academic older sister, and that this might limit her options later. To further complicate things, her best friend recently said she would also like to pursue drama, and her parents have taken it very badly. They told their daughter they will move her to a state school if she does drama as a GCSE or A-Level and would not support her in any capacity if she pursues this pathway. My daughter was really confused and upset by this. The girls are only 11, and now our daughter is talking about feeling anxious that she might not be able to support herself if she focuses on drama. How do I navigate this?

Best wishes,

From a parent in need (of a compass)

Dear Parent in Need (of a Compass),

Your daughter is lucky to have parents who are so invested in her happiness and supportive of her interests. It’s understandable to feel torn when a child expresses a passion for a less conventional pathway, especially at such a young age. It sounds as though you’re trying to balance her excitement and creativity with a desire to make sure her options remain open, which is completely reasonable. You’re on the right track, and here a few things to consider as you move forward:

Reassure her, in a non-dismissive way, that these are early days. At 11 many students have broad interests that may develop in unexpected ways. Your daughter will not have to make definitive choices yet and her creative passion and academic strengths can support each other. Focusing on academics for a little while will not mean closing the door to drama forever just like focusing on drama for a little while will not close the door on academics forever. I know it may not feel this way and that young people and parents are under tremendous pressure to figure it all out now, but this is all really nonsense. Keeping a flexible mindset will help your daughter (and you) feel less anxious and more empowered to make adjustments as her interest evolve.

Even at the GCSE level, drama is one subject amongst many others, and is a relatively small commitment. Many students will choose at least one creative subject and find that this helps them to balance their other subjects and keep the creative part of their brains engaged and happily buzzing along. Drama also nurtures valuable skills like public speaking, collaboration, and emotional intelligence, which will benefit your daughter across every other subject and well beyond GCSE exams. But remember – even GCSEs are several years away, so right now, simply considering senior schools that have a drama program, is a solid start and requires relatively little commitment.

At the same time, and again in a very low pressure way, it might be nice for you to explore potential career pathways with your daughter. There are so many career options connected to drama beyond acting – arts administration, production, teaching, writing, directing, etc. – that draw on a variety of skills. This will help her to feel confident in her options and decisions as she goes and reassure her that there are a variety stable career options available if drama remains her focus. This may also help her to support her friend and to provide a gentle counterbalance to a reaction that is so obviously based in fear. Children often look to each other to gauge reactions, and her friend’s parents’ reaction could feel like an indirect judgment. Remind her that every family approaches these decisions differently, and it can be heard to understand how or why they make decisions. Emphasise that in your family, her happiness and passion are taken seriously, and that you want to help her find a way to pursue her dreams in a way that keeps her options open.

Check in with your daughter regularly about how things are going, and just to keep communication around this topic open. If your older daughter’s academic success is having an influence, this will likely become clearer over time, and this provides an opportunity to emphasise that each person is on their own pathway, and that she deserves to follow a pathway that aligns with her strengths and passions.

This type of support for your daughter is invaluable regardless of which subjects she takes, how she scores on exams, or which career she ultimately chooses. You’ve got this.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

I think I made a terrible mistake. Our school sent around a consultation about the impact a 20% VAT would have on families over the summer. There was an option to answer anonymously or not, and I chose to include my information. I admitted that the increases in tuition since we started at the school three years ago have already had a significant impact on our lives and said I was unsure we would be able to cover a 20% increase. I don’t want to sound paranoid, but since then I’ve had some strange interactions with staff and it became clear that some of them knew about my answer, including my daughter’s HM. Now our daughter has never been an academic superstar and has always had a mind of her own, but this term she has been disciplined twice for relatively minor things. 

The most recent issue was between her and a girl she was friends with when she first started school, but has had conflict with on and off for the past nine months. Before last summer, every conversation we had with school indicated that the girls were equally at fault and were really just trying to figure out how to move on from their friendship. Actually, it tended to be the other girl who would start something and my daughter would respond, so in the past, it was the other girl who was mainly disciplined. Now, it seems like every back and forth is blamed on my daughter. When I met with the Deputy Head about the last incident, she seemed to suggest the school might not be the right fit for our daughter and talked about her not really settling in or finding her place. She talked about my daughter struggling academically, even though she is in middle sets and sees to get mostly positive and constructive feedback, and we have never had any indication that there is reason for concern. 

The school announced that they will be passing most of the VAT increase to parents, but we have figured out a way to make lifestyle adjustments to finish out her time at school, and that would be our preference, but now I’m concerned she will be treated unfairly if she stays. I also feel like I should explain to my daughter that her difference in treatment is likely my fault and not because she has done anything wrong, but I’m worried it could further shake her confidence. 

Best wishes,

Guilty Parent 

Dear Guilty Parent,

It’s clear you’re feeling both protective of your daughter and frustrated by the school’s recent response. It’s hard not to read between the lines when you’ve noticed a shift, especially when the timing coincides with such a sensitive topic as tuition concerns. Here are a few thoughts about how you might approach this.

Schools conduct consultations precisely to gain honest feedback from families. It’s not unusual for parents to voice financial concerns or uncertainties and certainly not under these circumstances, and you might be surprised by how many other families are in similar positions. In a healthy school environment, these perspectives should be treated with respect and confidentiality. If some staff members know more about your response than they should, that is a clear breach of trust, but that does not mean you made a mistake by being open and transparent. You did nothing wrong.

When it comes to your daughter’s recent discipline, this shift in how the school is framing her behaviour and academic standing does seem to be a departure from their previous stance. It is possible that this could reflect a change in how the school is responding to all disciplinary issues or adjusting expectations, and it is not uncommon for expectations to shift as students progress. It is also reasonable to wonder whether your feedback has influenced their perceptions, but I would suggest that speculating about that is likely to add unnecessary stress for you and your daughter. Instead, try to focus on the disciplinary issues separately to the information you provided, and consider and consider alternative explanation.

This may be hard to read, but I would be remiss if I did not suggest that sometimes, as parents, our perceptions of our own child’s role in conflict can be a bit clouded. If your daughter has had two disciplinary events in her first half-term back at school this year, even if you consider them to be relatively minor, school staff may well disagree. The situation with the friend sounds especially complex, but in my experience, schools tend to under-discipline these types of conflicts, so it may be worth asking the school to set out exactly what happened, if you have not already done so. Regardless, the school should be offering support and solutions.

In terms of your proceed, you might consider starting with your daughter’s HM. You might explain how surprised you were to hear that your daughter was struggling and ask if that’s her HM’s experience as well. Ask for specific examples, as this might help you understand where this perception is coming from. You might also meet separately with your daughter’s tutor to better understand any academic concerns. Make it as clear as possible that your daughter wants to continue at this school and that you are committed to supporting her.

If the school’s framing continues to feel misaligned with her actual progress, you might consider seeking additional support for your daughter through a counsellor or coach, either within or outside of the school. This is less about remediation and more about reinforcing her confidence and focus, especially if she senses that she’s being treated differently. Having someone she can confide in outside of school might help buffer her experience and ensure her self-esteem isn’t impacted.

As for discussing this with your daughter, I would tread carefully. If she is unaware of any backstory involving the school’s tuition consultation, there may be no need to share it. Navigating friendships with occasional stumbles and brushes with disciplinary measures are part of your daughter’s growth and do not determine her value at school or more generally. This may be a good time to remind her of that and to encourage her to reflect on things that are going well, too.

Schools can sometimes operate with competing priorities, and really you will be best placed to determine whether your daughter is better off staying at this school or not. It is very difficult to have a collaborative working relationship with a team you don’t trust, but whether this is a trust that can be repaired or not, only you can determine.

Warmly,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter is having a very difficult start to her penultimate year in prep school. She has attended this large and well-regarded coed school since Year 4. As it is a larger school, we understand that children cannot be supervised every second of every day, but it seems staff are missing some quite big things. Several friends and acquaintances have quietly left the school after feeling the head would not address their concerns, but I really feel it would be unfair to our daughter to force her to move schools when she is not the problem. I have raised concerns with her head of year and head in the past with little success, and I am now considering submitting a formal complaint. I worry this could make things worse for my daughter, but I’m not sure what else to do.  

– Frustrated Parent

Dear Frustrated Parent,

It is deeply frustrating to feel like your concerns are being overlooked, especially when it involves your daughter’s well-being. Here are some ideas about how you can proceed carefully and thoughtfully (with the usual caveat that this is not legal advice):

1. Organise Your Thoughts:

Before formalising a complaint, make sure the issues you’re raising are clear, specific, and as well-documented as possible. Schools are often more receptive when presented with concrete examples of where they may have fallen short, especially if you can provide instances where your daughter’s experience has not aligned with specific school policies or the school’s ethos. This can be really difficult, especially where there are multiple incidents and/or multiple components that are concerning, but taking the time to express these clearly will mean that the school is better able to consider and respond to your concerns. 

2. Do Your Research:

Your school should have a complaints procedure and other policies on the school website. Take a close look at these documents and make sure you understand the process so you know what to expect. If you can, speak with the families who made the decision to leave the school, and any family that has had to submit a formal complaint before. This will help you to prepare for whatever comes next and to manage your expectations.

3. Consider Tone and Timing: 

When submitting a formal complaint, tone is key. Try to approach it with a collaborative attitude with an aim towards finding a solution that benefits everyone. If you can, use language that demonstrates a desire to work with the school for the best outcome. Although there is never a good time for school leadership to receive a difficult email or phone call, if you can avoid the very end of the day and just before or after holidays and term ending, you might receive a more sympathetic reception.

4. Engage the Right Channels:

If raising concerns with the head and the head of year hasn’t been fruitful, it may be time to escalate the issue through official channels. This is where your research will be especially useful. Refer back to the complaints procedure and other policies and check to see who is likely to be involved depending on where you are in the process. For example, if you have already spoke to your head of school, you might already be several steps up the ladder, and the next step might be to engage your board of governors directly. It helps to know who they are and to understand their backgrounds. 

5. Consider All Possible Outcomes:

It’s understandable to fear repercussions, but a good school should treat complaints as an opportunity to improve. If handled delicately, it should not have a negative impact on your daughter. However, it’s worth monitoring how things unfold and keeping an open dialogue with her about how she’s feeling at school. We have seen firsthand and have heard secondhand that a surprisingly number of schools handle even very carefully worded and thoughtfully timed and considered complaints badly. If other families have left the school, it may be because they experienced this themselves, and you should consider that possibility. Similarly, you may want to engage a solicitor who specialises in this area of the law. Some solicitors will help to draft complaints and/or advise on potential claims and pathways forward. 

Sometimes, formalising your concerns is the necessary next step, but keep communication open with your daughter throughout and make sure she feels like is part of, and has ownership in, the process. Whatever happens, it is critical that your daughter feel well supported and that she knows her well-being is your top priority. 

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son came home from his first few weeks at boarding school and was exhausted. We were so looking forward to having time together, but he fell asleep in the car on the way home, had a heaping plate of food, and went to bed and slept through to lunch the next day. He chatted with us for a bit, ran around the garden with his younger sister, and then took a nap. After dinner we watched a movie and he fell asleep on the sofa, went to bed, and slept until 11:00 the next morning. His HM told us he would be tired, but this feels extreme. Is this really normal, or should I be worried?

-Exhausting (?!) Parent

Dear Exhausting Parent,

What you’ve described is actually quite common for students in the early stages of boarding school. It’s a huge adjustment, not just physically but emotionally and mentally, and your son is likely feeling that now that he’s home in a safe and comfortable place, with people he trusts. 

Boarding school days are typically long and structured, with classes, prep (homework), and extracurricular activities filling every hour. There’s also a new level of independence and a very different social element that comes with living in a more communal environment, which can all be disruptive to sleep for various reasons. Beyond the busy schedule, there’s the emotional side of adjusting to life at school. The mental energy required to settle into a new routine, build friendships, and navigate a new environment can all add up, even for children who are quite happy about these changes. 

Your son’s long bouts of sleep are likely his body’s way of recharging, and while it seems extreme now, it should settle as he becomes more accustomed to boarding life.  This might take some time, in fact many parents report similar experiences throughout most of the first year of boarding, which is why many schools encourage parents to avoid booking travel during shorter breaks. This rest may well allow your son to return to school recharged and will hopefully help to keep him healthy and happy. 

All of that said, if his exhaustion persists for weeks or you notice other signs of stress or unhappiness, it’s worth following up with his HM (housemaster) or pastoral care team to ensure everything is running smoothly. I would never suggest ignoring your instinct, so if you feel something is off, or there are other things your concerned about, check in with someone at school now, or consult your GP. 

For now, know that many students are in a similar state, and most of them will be more alert and less prone to nodding off mid-movie the next time they’re home! 

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

We have three children. Our oldest opted for boarding school three years ago and is thriving where she is. Our son chose a local day school and is just starting his second year, and our youngest will take the ISEB this term. When our oldest started school I worried about how our children would maintain a close relationship, but was pleasantly surprised to find that their relationship actually improved. Our oldest daughter really started to make an effort to spend time with both of her younger siblings and values that time and those relationships. She messages or speaks to them and to us every day, and we really feel like we’re part of her day-to-day life. When our son chose his day school, we imagined it would be even better, because we would be able to see him every day. Unfortunately, things have gone the opposite direction. Our son is moody and grumbly and doesn’t engage with us or his younger sister. He has long days at school so we barely see him and when we do, he mainly communicates by grunts. Over the summer he made no secret of preferring to spend time with friends and now that our oldest is back at her school, our youngest is feeling alone and I think a bit abandoned. Where did we go wrong and how do we fix this? 

-Confused Parent

Dear Confused Parent,

It’s so understandable to feel concerned when you see one child thriving in their environment and another pulling away. But let me reassure you, this isn’t uncommon, especially during the teen years. Let’s unpack what might be going on:

Your son may simply be navigating his own path, and it sounds like he’s going through that challenging adolescent phase where friends often take priority over family. His reluctance to engage isn’t necessarily a reflection of your relationship or something you’ve done—it’s part of growing up. Although it can be difficult, try to compare your experience with him to your experience with your daughter. They are different people and in different situations, and this is a period of transition for them both.

Your son’s grumbly behaviour may be tied to exhaustion from long school days and balancing social pressures. Day schools, especially for boys in their early teens, can demand a lot of energy, both physically and socially. He may be coming home feeling depleted, with little left to give. He knows that home is home, and maybe feels he is allowed to be less “on” when he’s there. This is a testament to the supportive environment you’ve created for him.

Your youngest daughter’s feelings of loneliness and abandonment are important, and while you don’t want to blame your son, it’s worth acknowledging these feelings openly with her. Helping her find her own space, either through new activities or connections, can mitigate the sense of isolation. The most important thing is to encourage her to share these feelings with her, and potentially with her brother in time.

It’s also worth having a chat with your son. Acknowledge that you’ve noticed he’s distant but frame it as concern rather than criticism. He may not even realize how much his behavior is affecting you or his younger sister.

This is likely a phase, but for now, rather than pushing for engagement, you might offer low-pressure opportunities for connection. A special family meal or weekend outing, something that breaks the routine but isn’t forced, might help to reset things. 

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter (16) started dating (or whatever they call it now) her boyfriend (17) last February. We have known him and his family for several years and they’re all great people. I wouldn’t say we’re friends exactly, just because by the time we met we already had our own circles, but certainly friendly. Recently I noticed that my daughter’s boyfriend has become quite intense. Controlling feels too strong of a word, but certainly jealous, and seems to feel entitled to comment and advise on key areas of her life, including suggesting, quite strongly, that she drop her fourth A Level choice. I saw her boyfriend’s mum at a mutual friend’s event last week and she gushed about how wonderful my daughter is and how wonderful they are as a couple and made some vague references to the future that make their ending up together sound like an inevitability. This is all feeling very uncomfortable, but I’m worried that if I approach it the wrong way, I risk alienating them all.

-Worried Parent

Dear Worried Parent,

This situation sounds delicate. While you don’t want to overreact, it will be important to keep an eye on any behaviour that suggests your daughter’s independence is being compromised.

Start by having a conversation with your daughter directly, focusing on her well-being rather than criticising her boyfriend. Frame your concerns in a way that supports her independence and make sure they come from a place of curiosity. “I’ve noticed that you’re making a lot of changes lately, what do you think sparked that?” By keeping the conversation centered on her and walking with her as she describes her perspective, she’s more likely to open up without feeling defensive. You might eventually ask how she feels about her boyfriend’s advice so you can gauge whether she feels pressured by it, or sees it as just one of many perspectives to consider. This can be important in encouraging her to think about her own perspective, how much influence his advice has on her decisions, and potentially even to consider if the relationship is balanced or becoming one-sided.

If the situation continues to feel uncomfortable or beings to deteriorate, you might find a way to emphasise the importance of maintaining her voice in decisions about her future in all directions. Any relationship where one person’s opinions dominate can lead to long-term challenges, but sometimes it’s easier for people to see that in other people’s relationships before they can see it in their own. 

In terms of the boyfriend’s mother’s comments, it would be wise to tread lightly, and to try to separate your feelings about this from your daughter’s relationship with her boyfriend. It may be that she cares for your daughter a great deal and is expressing that in a way that she thinks is coming across differently to how you’re experiencing it. If the topic comes up again, you can acknowledge her positive feelings about the couple and then if you’re uncomfortable discussing their future, gently redirect the conversation to focus on the present.

Ultimately, your support and calm guidance will help your daughter navigate this relationship with clarity, without feeling cornered or alienated.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My daughter just started her second year of boarding. We’re very close when she’s home but when she’s at school she rarely calls and gives one-word answers to texts. I tried to speak with her about it over the summer and she insists she’s just very busy at school. I worry it could be something deeper.

– Worried Parent

Dear Worried Parent,

It’s completely understandable to feel unsettled when communication with your daughter seems distant, especially after having such a close relationship when she’s home. The shift from being chatty to short, clipped replies can feel jarring, but this is not uncommon, particularly as children settle further into boarding life.

1. Trust Her Independence:

While it’s hard not to worry, take comfort in her assurance that she’s busy. Boarding life is often filled with academic demands, extracurricular activities, and social interactions. This can naturally limit the time and energy your daughter has to communicate regularly. Many children, as they grow more independent, focus more on their immediate surroundings and rely less on constant contact with home.

2. Create Low-Pressure Opportunities:

Instead of pushing for frequent phone calls or lengthy conversations, try sending light-hearted texts or photos that don’t require much from her. This keeps the connection open without adding pressure. Sometimes, asking specific but low-stakes questions like “What’s the funniest thing that happened today?” can break the one-word barrier.

3. Keep the Door Open:

Ensure she knows you’re always there for her, should she need to talk. Mentioning this once or twice is enough—you don’t want to inadvertently create pressure by repeatedly checking in on her well-being. Children often open up when they’re ready, and knowing you’re available will be reassuring.

It’s likely that her busyness and independence are the main factors here, but trust your instinct. If you feel there’s something deeper, a gentle conversation with the school’s pastoral team could help put your mind at ease.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

It must be GCSE stress, but it seems like my son had a personality transplant this past week. Suddenly he’s serious about school, started making his bed, is nice to his brother, and reads the newspaper. Should I be worried? I worry that this is stress, but I have to admit it’s a nice change.

– Amused but Worried Parent

Dear Amused but Worried Parent,

It sounds like you’re experiencing what many parents dream of—an unexpectedly responsible, studious child! While the shift may feel sudden, it is possible your son has decided to step up his game as the seriousness of GCSEs sets in. We actually hear this from parents of sons fairly often, sometime in the lead up to GCSEs (or soon after) and from parents in other school systems at around the same time. This newfound maturity could be a sign of him taking his responsibilities seriously rather than a red flag of stress.

1. Appreciate the Positive Changes:

Your son’s new habits—making his bed, taking an interest in current events, and being kind to his brother—are all wonderful developments. This could indicate that he’s trying to create a more structured, balanced life, something many students naturally gravitate towards as they prepare for significant exams.

2. Keep an Eye on Stress Levels:

That said, it’s worth keeping an eye out for signs of overburdening. While it’s great to see him taking initiative, check in to make sure the stress and anxiety is manageable and not overwhelming. Encourage breaks, relaxation, and hobbies outside of schoolwork to maintain balance.

3. Check In Gently:

If you think this might be stress-driven, have a light-hearted conversation about how he’s feeling. Sometimes just a simple “I’m proud of the changes you’re making—how are you feeling about everything?” can help you gauge whether his behavior is motivated by stress or genuine growth.

This change might just be the beginning of his developing maturity, and as long as he’s not overly stressed, and is something to celebrate.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

One of my daughter’s friends is sexually active and has been for some time. The parents, or at least the mother, is aware, and apparently unbothered. In fact, on more than one occasion, the mother has allowed this friend and her boyfriend to spend the weekend unsupervised. My daughter is invited to a weekend gathering for a group of the friends at this same house. She has assured me the parents will be there and I trust my daughter, but I’m concerned, and would rather she not attend. What should I do?

– Worried Parent

Dear Worried Parent,

Navigating these changes is always difficult and your concern is valid. It is, of course, natural to want to protect your daughter from situations that feel outside of your comfort zone and where you feel your ability to keep her safe from harm is limited. Here are some ideas about how you might approach this without damaging trust or creating unnecessary friction:

*Note: We are going to assume that all parties involved are above the age of consent in their relevant jurisdiction (16 years old in the UK)

Take some time to consider exactly what makes you uncomfortable about this arrangement and make sure you can articulate it clearly and calmly to your daughter. This can be really uncomfortable, but is critical. Consider what it means to really trust your daughter, and how you can orient your concerns with respect to that position. To put it another way, if you trust your daughter and her judgment, but feel there might be something about this situation that makes it difficult for her to assess the risk, it will be important to explain that clearly. Some parents find it reassuring to write out a list of worst case scenarios for themselves and think through the likelihood of each.

After you spend some time thinking through your concerns, think about your desired outcome, both in this immediate instance and the bigger picture. Some ideal outcomes might include, for example:

1. Does not attend party by her own choice; our relationship is stronger than ever.
2. Does not attend party; is safe and healthy.
3. Attends party with my support and a plan; trusts me to advise her in future decisions.

Your desired outcomes will help you to determine how you approach your daughter and can help guide the conversation.

When you feel ready, have an honest conversation with your daughter about why you feel uneasy. Without being accusatory, explain your feelings. It will be essential to avoid coming across as judgmental about her friend or her friend’s parents and to focus on your concerns for her safety and well-being.

If, after discussing the situation together, attending the gathering is the outcome, set some clear boundaries together. Let her know what you expect in terms of communication and behaviour and help her to identify her own expectations in terms of how others behave. You might ask if you can contact the host parents to confirm details, potentially under the guise of thanking them for the invitation. Most importantly, reassure her that even if something goes wrong, you will be there for her, both in the moment as needed, and after. Because at some point over the next several years, there will almost certainly be a party or a gathering where something does go wrong, maybe not in a situation as controlled as this, and your daughter needs to know you will support her no matter what.

You might aim for a compromise position, where your daughter attends, but does not spend the night. You could add an invite for this same group of friends to gather at your house next time to get to know them better so she has another event to look forward to.

If you decide not to allow her to go, explain your decision clearly and calmly, emphasising that the decision is about ensuring her safety and well-being. It is important she understands your reasoning, even if she disagrees. Keep the lines of communication open so she feels she can talk to you in the future about similar situations. A note of caution here – given that everyone involved is at least 16, it will be more and more difficult to control this sort of thing, and it will become more and more socially debilitating for your daughter and add tension to your relationship with her if you try. You know your daughter best, and trusting your instincts here is important, but forbidding her participation outright should be carefully considered.

Best wishes,

Kate

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Dear Kate,

My son has developed severe acne and does not seem to mind. His GP recommended some basic changes and did not seem overly concerned, but it is an obvious change from before the summer and I’m worried it will damage his self-esteem when he goes back to school and people notice. What should I do?

– Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

It’s understandable that you’re worried about your son, especially when a sudden change in appearance like severe acne can feel overwhelming. While it’s encouraging that his GP does not seem too concerned and your son himself seems unbothered, it’s still important to ensure that both his physical and emotional well-being are supported.

Respecting your son’s feelings is so important. Acknowledge that he does not seem to mind and that this is a positive sign that he feels comfortable in his own skin, even if things have changed. Of course this could change when he returns to school, so keep an open dialogue and make it clear that you are open and available to talk if he feels concerned about how others might react or about how others do react.

This is not medical advice, but I would say that even if the GP has given some basic advice, it might be worth further consultation, especially if the acne worsens or does not respond to initial treatment. There a wide range of options available, but it is important that your son agrees and feels like he has some ownership.

Meanwhile, reinforce your son’s strengths and qualities beyond his appearance. Compliment him on things like his intelligence and character, and help him to see the bigger picture to keep acne, or any physical feature, from defining him. This will be especially important in the lead up to school starting and during those first weeks, when classmates might be surprised by his change in appearance.

You can also encourage him to develop and maintain healthy skin care routines without making acne the focus of your conversation. A simple routine that will not feel like a burden is key and sometimes simple changes like showering every day before bed, changing (natural fiber) pillow cases every day, and washing the face every morning can make a huge difference.

During this period, do be sure to monitor any changes. Keep an eye on his mood and social interactions when term begins and if you notice any signs of withdrawal or other changes in behaviour, it would be worth a follow up conversation, and potentially seeking support either through the pastoral care team at school or from an outside professional.

Ultimately, your support and understanding will be invaluable. With gentle encouragement and the right care, your son can navigate this without it becoming a source of stress.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

What is the best way to ease back into a routine after a summer of late nights and lazy days—for my 15-year-old daughter and for me?

– Out of Practice

Dear Out of Practice,

I completely understand the challenge of returning to routine after the carefree days of summer. First, good for you and your daughter! It can be so hard to take a real break, but it really is so important, and will help your daughter to prioritise doing the same.

It can be tempting to prolong the laid-back lifestyle (at least for me!), but re-establishing structure will help both you and your daughter feel more focused and balanced as the school year begins. Here’s how to ease yourselves back into a routine, gently but effectively:

1. Start Gradually:

No need to rush into strict schedules overnight. Begin by gradually shifting bedtimes earlier, in 15-30 minute increments, over the course of a week or two. This will allow your daughter (and you!) to adjust to waking up earlier without feeling too disrupted.

2. Plan Together:

Sit down with your daughter to plan her weekly schedule, incorporating school, extracurricular activities, and study time. Let her have some say in how she structures her time—it will make her more likely to stick to the routine. You can do the same for yourself. Writing it down is so powerful and seeing it set out often makes it feel more achievable. This will also allow you and your daughter to make any changes if that schedule looks overwhelming.

3. Incorporate Downtime:

Returning to routine should not mean eliminating leisure. Schedule in time for relaxation, hobbies, and moments to unwind. Balance is key outside of holiday time.

4. Prioritise Nutrition and Exercise:

A healthy body supports a healthy mind. If your summer eating habits have been more indulgent, start by reintroducing regular, balanced meals. You could try meal planning together and to start, focus on one meal per day. Gentle exercise, whether it’s a morning walk or a yoga session, can also help boost energy levels.

5. If All Else Fails… :

A gentle transition back is ideal, but sometimes life has other plans. Rest assured neither you nor your daughter will be alone if that happens. Think of it as ripping off the plaster instead of a slow peel – what works for one family might not work for you, and what works for you one year might not suit another. Do what makes sense for your family and enjoy the rest of your holiday!

After a few weeks, you’ll find yourselves back into the swing of things one way or another!

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

How do I prepare my son to board when I’m not ready myself? I try to imagine my life when he leaves for school and I feel unwell. How do I know if these are nerves or selfish feelings or instinct?

– Unready Parent

Dear Unready Parent,

It’s perfectly natural to feel a mixture of emotions as you prepare for such a significant milestone. You are not alone in feeling unwell at the thought of your son heading off to boarding school—it’s a transition for both of you. In fact, you might be surprised by how many other parents are feeling similarly. Here’s how you can navigate these feelings and make sure both you and your son are well-prepared:

1. Understand Your Emotions:

What you’re experiencing is a normal response to change. The mix of sadness, worry, and even guilt is part of adjusting to the idea of your child gaining more independence. What’s important is to recognize that these feelings aren’t selfish—they reflect how deeply you care. It’s entirely possible these are nerves, but trust your instincts. If you feel something isn’t right for your son, it’s worth exploring further.

2. Prepare Together:

Speak openly with your son about the transition. Discuss not just practical matters like packing and schedules, but also the emotional side of things. This can help both of you adjust to the idea slowly, so it feels less overwhelming when the time comes. Ask him how he feels—sometimes focusing on his excitement or nervousness helps shift the focus away from your own anxieties.

3. Maintain a Connection:

Boarding school does not mean you will lose touch with your son. Set expectations for communication—whether that means phone calls, emails, or visits—so you can feel connected even while apart. Build flexibility into the plan, as those first weeks can be so busy, and sometimes access to technology means one mode of communication is better than another in unexpected ways. Knowing you have time scheduled together and a flexible plan can help ease some of the worry.

4. Trust the Process:

Remember, good boarding schools are designed to support children through this transition. The pastoral care teams are experienced in helping children settle in, and the community your son will join is likely to become a home away from home. The best boarding schools will also put some thought into supporting you through this transition, if not directly, through regular communication and reassurances.

5. Make a Plan for Yourself:

Whether getting involved with the school, in person or virtually, and parent groups, starting a new project, engaging in a new volunteer activity, discovering a new hobby, spending more time with friends, focusing on your own self-care, or just building in time for more walks outside, adding something new in will give you something to look forward to. Where possible, finding your community, or leaning into the community you already have, is a huge help.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. In time, both you and your son will adjust. Allow yourself to feel what you feel, and know that with open communication and careful preparation, the transition will become easier for both of you. If you continue to feel unwell and anxious, or you feel worse, it might be worth speaking to a professional – none of the above is a substitute for expert mental-health advice, and there is no substitute to that kind of support.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My daughter recently started flexi-boarding at the independent school she has attended for several years. The idea was to help prepare her for boarding at her future school in two years, but this experience has caused some concerns. My daughter reports some troubling behaviours within the boarding house and very little pastoral care or support. It seems that most of the girls who “full board” have some serious mental health issues that are not being fully addressed and I’m worried about exposing my daughter to it both now and at her future school. Should we rethink boarding?

– A Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

It’s understandable that you’re concerned about your daughter’s well-being and the environment she’s currently experiencing in the boarding house. Flexi-boarding can indeed be a helpful step in preparing for full boarding, but it’s crucial that the experience is positive and supportive. Many parents also find that this is a very different experience to full boarding for a number of reasons. Flexi-boarding situations and mixed flexi/full situations are difficult to do well. Rather than having a set number of students to support every day, boarding house staff may find they have 3x the number of students they are expected to “partially” support and expectations around their role can vary. In some cases, students who are full boarders resent that flexi-boarders have the ability to board some nights and go home other nights and some find it disorienting to have different children as dorm-mates several nights per week. Equally, the boarding experience for students below age 13 is also quite different. Their ability to cope with being away from home varies more greatly and they really do require a lot more care for things to work, and in our experience, very few schools do this well, and especially where full/flexi are mixed, because staff tend to be less experienced.

The challenge in this situation is that having some experience or practice boarding before doing it full-time can build confidence for families, so you will have to weigh the risks and benefits and make the best decision for your family. Here are some steps and considerations to help you navigate this situation:

Open Communication with Your Daughter: First and foremost, maintain an open dialogue with your daughter. Encourage her to share specific details about the troubling behaviours she’s witnessing and her feelings about the lack of pastoral care. Understanding the specifics will help you gauge the severity of the issues and the impact on her well-being. Agree in advance which information you will definitely share with school, might share with the school, and will keep between the two of you, and stick to that agreement.

Meet with School Staff: Schedule a meeting with the head of the boarding house and the school’s pastoral care team. Express your concerns clearly and ask about the measures in place to address behavioural issues and provide support to boarders. It’s essential to understand the school’s policies and whether those policies are being followed in this case.

Assess the School’s Pastoral Care: Evaluate the level of pastoral care and support available to boarders. Effective pastoral care is a cornerstone of a good boarding experience, and the school should have robust systems in place to support students emotionally and socially. If the current provisions are lacking, it’s important to address this with school leadership.

Consider Alternative Arrangements: If the school is unable or unwilling to address your concerns satisfactorily, you might need to reconsider the flexi-boarding arrangement. Look into other options within the same school, explore different schools that might offer a more supportive and structured boarding environment, or consider waiting to try boarding next year or at your daughter’s future school.

Regarding her future school, research their boarding program thoroughly. Speak with current parents and students to get an honest perspective on the boarding environment and pastoral care. Many schools have rigorous pastoral care systems, but it’s important to ensure this will meet your daughter’s needs. As a parent, your instincts about your child’s well-being are invaluable. If you feel that boarding, at this stage, is not in her best interest, it’s perfectly valid to delay or reconsider this option. Your daughter’s safety and emotional health are paramount.

Your concerns about the current boarding environment and its impact on your daughter are legitimate and should be taken seriously. Addressing these issues with the school and carefully considering her future boarding arrangements will help ensure she is in a safe, supportive, and nurturing environment. Your daughter’s well-being is the most important thing and both your current and future school should understand this well.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

We are starting to think about university applications for our son, who is in his penultimate year at boarding school. What steps should we take to ensure he is well-prepared and positioned for success in his applications?

– Forward-Thinking Parent

Dear Forward-Thinking Parent,

Preparing for university applications can feel quite daunting, but really, most of the work is already done! Here’s how you might get started on this last stretch:

Research Early: Start researching universities and their requirements early. Visit campuses if possible and speak to students and parents with direct experience at these schools. There are many great university consultancies and even if you have no desire to hire one, their websites have useful resources around the process and systems.

Academic Performance: Ensure your son maintains strong academic performance during this period as is not distracted by application pressures. Students tend to view this year as one of the most exciting but can also see their results begin to slip.

Supercurricular Activities: As the university application process becomes increasingly competitive, there is more expectation that students engage in supercurricular activities, which take the subject(s) beyond what would be expected. This could include extended reading beyond the A-Level syllabus, engagement with subject-related podcasts, events, or special interest groups, Tweeting or blogging about the subject, or even gaining work experience related to a subject.

Personal Statement: Begin brainstorming and drafting the all-important personal statement. It will be crucial to convey his unique experiences and aspirations and starting this early will provide opportunities to experiment. Seek feedback on this early and often but resist the temptation to change the voice. Admissions experts really can tell whether a student wrote it or not.

School Advisors: Work closely with the school’s futures department to navigate application deadlines, requirements, and recommendations. If you have not already spoken with your son’s tutor or other relevant school contact, book in some time to chat about your son’s options.

Thorough preparation and utilising school resources will help your son present a strong application. Other parents are great resources and often become near experts themselves, so ask about their experiences and for their advice. If you feel you could benefit from professional advice beyond what your school provides, ask them to recommend an admissions consultant.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

Our family is feeling the financial strain of paying for our children’s education at an independent school. We value the quality of education they receive but are concerned about the long-term financial impact. Are there strategies to better manage these costs?

-Financially Strained Parent

Dear Financially Strained Parent,

Paying for independent school education is a significant financial commitment and, thanks to cost of living increases and school fee increases and the looming potential 20% VAT, many families are feeling similarly. There is no real way around this, but here are some strategies that might help you manage the costs:

Financial Planning: Work with a financial advisor to create a long-term plan that includes savings, investments, and budgeting for school fees. Some of the plans parents have shared with us lately have become quite creative, but make sure to do your research to avoid scams and/or unfavourable terms.

Scholarships and Bursaries: Explore scholarship and bursary opportunities (and make sure you’re clear about which scholarships are tied to fees as many are not). Many schools have programs that will provide “emergency” short-term relief on short notice as well, and although we would never suggest parents should rely on this, if it could make a difference to your situation to have short-term relief, it is worth exploring.

Flexible Payment Plans: Inquire if the school offers flexible payment plans. Many schools allow monthly payments to extend throughout the entire calendar year and some will even allow for extensions.

Review Expenses: Review your household budget to identify areas where you might cut costs or reallocate funds. Note that most schools award bursaries (and even some scholarships) on a need only basis and will review not only your income but also your expenses to determine whether to provide support. Parents who have been through this process have sometimes described it as invasive, but schools have a duty to make sure these limited funds go to families who actually need the support.

Balancing the cost of education with financial stability is essential, and seeking professional advice can help. Ultimately independent education is a personal decision families must make together after careful consideration, but it might also be worth a conversation with your school’s bursar.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My son was waitlisted at his first-choice school and will have to re-sit his exam and interview next year to be considered. He has a place at a school we like but have some reservations about, and his current school suggested we apply to a third option with their support. We are considering it and I shared this with another parent, who was annoyed because her son has a waitlist place at my son’s second choice. She said we should give up the guaranteed place if we’re not interested to be fair to other students and suggested that if we did, her son would receive a place. What should we do?

– Conflicted Parent

Dear Conflicted Parent,

Navigating the complexities of school admissions can be challenging, and it’s understandable to feel conflicted about the best path forward for your son. Here’s how you might approach this situation thoughtfully and fairly:

Prioritise Your Son’s Best Interests: Your primary concern should be what’s best for your son’s education and well-being. Consider each school’s environment, academic offerings, and how well they align with his needs and aspirations. Your decision should ultimately support his growth and happiness. This is true not only in your final selection of schools, but in how you approach that selection and secure his school place.

Evaluate the Schools Thoroughly: Take a closer look at the school where he has a guaranteed place. Identify the specific reservations you have and see if they can be addressed through further discussions with the school administration or other parents. Sometimes initial concerns can be alleviated with more information. Do the same for your first-choice option and this potential third option. Your current school has suggested applying to a third option with their support, so it is worth exploring this avenue seriously. Gather all of the necessary information about this school and how it compares to your other choices. Their endorsement should mean your son has a strong chance of securing a place and they should be well-placed to understand whether it would be a good fit. At the same time, schools take many factors into consideration when they make these kinds of offers, and not all of them will necessarily be about your son’s best interests.

Make a Timely Decision: Keep open lines of communication with all the schools involved. Let them know your situation and seek their guidance on how to proceed as much as that is possible and appropriate. Schools often appreciate transparency and can provide insights that help in making your decision, and it will also be an opportunity to get to know the admissions team better. Once you have gathered all the information and weighed your options, make a timely decision. This allows the schools to manage their admissions processes effectively and ensures you have a clear path forward. It will also reduce stress for you and your family and give your son time to prepare and become excited about his future school.

Be Diplomatic: Regarding the other parent’s suggestion, remember that school admissions are a complex process, and decisions should be made based on what’s best for your child. While it’s considerate to think about other students, you are under no obligation to forfeit your son’s guaranteed place based on another parent’s preference. Admissions decisions and waitlists are managed by the schools, and each child’s journey is unique. There is no guarantee that if your son gives up his place, this other child will secure a place anyway.

Support Your Son: The senior school decision process can be a difficult one for students and their families. Support your son and reassure him that being waitlisted is not a reflection of his abilities and that many factors play into admissions decisions. Encourage him to stay focused and positive about the opportunities ahead.

Your decision should be based on what will provide the best educational experience for your son. While it’s natural and very kind to consider the impact on others, you have to make the best decision for your family.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My daughter is in a top independent school, and lately, she’s been experiencing peer pressure to fit in with certain groups. I’m concerned about the influence this might have on her. How can we support her in staying true to herself?

– Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Peer pressure can be challenging, especially in a competitive school environment. Many of these environments seem to encourage a certain amount of “sameness,” which can be problematic when someone feels or wants to be different. One way to think about this is in terms of building internal and external resilience systems. Here are some things to think about:

Open Communication: Encourage open and honest conversations about her feelings and experiences.

Self-Esteem Building: Help her build self-esteem and confidence by recognising her strengths and achievements. If your daughter has special interests and strengths, encourage her to further develop them, and to take pride in them.

Tolerate Disagreement: Free-thinking is a developed skill and very likely your daughter will want to try it out on you. Although inconvenient and at times frustrating, this is important practice for her as she starts to figure out which parts of the world around her she wants to challenge.

Role-Playing Scenarios: Practise responses to peer pressure through role-playing scenarios. This can feel a bit strange and awkward and will need to be modified by age, but it works, and if nothing else, will introduce an opportunity for some laughter!

Encourage Diverse Friendships: Encourage her to form friendships with peers who share her values but have varied interests and life experiences. If possible, encourage your daughter to build a few friendships outside of the school environment.

School Resources: Utilise school resources such as counsellors or mentors who can provide additional support.

Reassure your daughter that staying true to herself is important and that she has your full support. Be prepared for your daughter to sometimes get it wrong on her way to getting it right and try to focus on carrying the lesson forward.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My daughter is excelling academically at her boarding school, but she also plays the clarinet, is quite sporty, and has a great group of friends. I’m worried that her efforts to balance these activities might affect her academic performance. How can we ensure she excels at all her interests without burning out?

– Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

It’s wonderful that your daughter is passionate about so many things – it sounds like she is making the most of her experience! Striking a balance can be challenging at any age but it can also be highly rewarding. Your daughter is building skills and resilience now that will serve her well throughout her lifetime. That said, if you are concerned, it may be worth thinking about how you can help her put some supports in place. Here are a few tips:

Prioritise and Schedule: Help her prioritise her activities based on her interests and academic demands. Create a balanced schedule that allocates time for study, music, sport, and friends, and make sure there is still plenty of time to rest. Remind her that there is no way to “make up” missed sleep and to allow time to transition into sleep mode.

Communicate with her HM and Tutor(s): Encourage open communication between your daughter, trusted adults at school, and yourself. Normalise regular check-ins and consider flagging this concern early on to see if they share it or have any advice.

Monitor Stress Levels: Keep an eye on her stress levels and overall well-being and be mindful of any change. Encourage breaks and ensure she gets adequate sleep.

Quality Over Quantity: Focus on the quality of involvement in activities rather than the quantity. It’s better to be deeply engaged in a few activities than to spread oneself too thin.

Speak to your daughter about her priorities and how involvement in various activities serves those priorities (or not). Some children thrive with higher levels of activity and others need more down time, so try to encourage your daughter to make choices that suit her needs and goals rather than comparing to what anyone else is doing. Revision and examination cycles are designed to allow for some experimentation, so if mock exams or mock mock exams are not quite as expected or hoped, there will be plenty of time for a course correction.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My son is feeling overwhelmed by the academic pressure at his independent school. He’s always been a high achiever, but the workload and expectations are starting to take a toll on his mental health. How can we help him manage this pressure?

– Concerned Parent

Dear Concerned Parent,

Academic pressure can be difficult and even overwhelming at times, and it does seem to be increasing every year. Sometimes simply acknowledging that can be a source of comfort and lead to a shared understanding. Here are some strategies other parents have found helpful:

Open Dialogue: Encourage him to talk about his feelings and stressors. Sometimes, just talking can relieve some pressure. Talking with you is really important, but consider involving a professional for a fresh perspective.

Time Management: Help him develop effective time management and study habits to make his workload more manageable. This is a skill that takes time to develop and many schools seem to skip over it and assume students have it if they are not clearly struggling with academics.

Relaxation Techniques: Teach him relaxation techniques, such as mindfulness, meditation, or deep-breathing exercises, to manage stress.

Balance: Time for hobbies and rest are so important. Encourage your son to approach studies with a sense of balance and encourage him to find things he enjoys doing.

School Resources: Utilise school resources such as counselling and mentoring services or academic support programmes. It will be important to determine whether this is a short-term concern that can be addressed with small changes, if a tutor will be necessary, or if there are some underlying challenges that need support.

Support and understanding from both home and school can make a significant difference in managing academic pressure. Expectations around academic success are so high that it can really start to feel overwhelming. Remind your son regularly that life is more than exam results and so is he.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Kate,

My daughter’s independent school has integrated a lot of technology into their curriculum, and I’m concerned about the amount of screen time she’s getting. The school has a new policy limiting the use of phones and related devices, but they expect the children to be online nearly all day during lessons and in the evenings to complete prep. It feels like too much and an invitation to distraction.

– Tech-Savvy(ish) Parent

Dear Tech-Savvy(ish) Parent,

Balancing technology use is important for your daughter’s well-being, and we have heard similar concerns from many parents over the past few years. The challenge for schools is helping children to find a balance between navigating an increasingly technological world and making sure they develop in-person skills. While there are good reasons to use technology as part of the curriculum, many children struggle to stay on task and find themselves distracted. It may be worth speaking to your school about these concerns and determining whether other parents share them. While it is unlikely a school will completely change their technology policy (although it does happen!), they may be willing to make some adjustments or have suggestions to support your daughter.

Here are some tips:

Set Limits: Establish clear guidelines for non-school-related screen time at home. Also encourage your daughter to consider setting her own limits while she is in lessons or doing prep, either by removing certain apps or closing specific tabs or windows, to help her maintain focus.

Encourage Breaks: Ensure she takes regular breaks from the screen to rest her eyes and move around.

Promote Physical Activity: Encourage her to participate in physical activities and outdoor play to balance sedentary time.

Monitor Usage: Use parental controls and monitor her online activities to ensure safe and productive use of technology. Share this with your daughter and allow her to see how much time she spends online and how much time she spends on various apps or websites.

Discuss Digital Citizenship: Talk about the importance of responsible and respectful online behaviour and what to do if she feels worried or unsafe.

Collaborate with your daughter and her school so the use of technology in her education is as balanced and as healthy as possible and she feels she has some ownership in the outcome.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Worried Parent,

Homesickness is a common experience for many children when they first start boarding school. The transition to senior school can be challenging for any number of reasons, whether boarding or day, and it’s very common for children take most of their first year to feel fully settled in either environment.

Here are a few strategies to help your son adjust:

Regular Communication:

Schedule regular calls or video chats to stay connected. Familiar voices and faces can provide comfort. Setting up a schedule that works for everyone and will ease homesickness rather than stirring it up is important. Discuss with your son and his HM to find the best times.

Encourage Involvement:

Encourage your son to get involved in school activities. Engaging in school life can help him make friends and feel more at home. The best boarding schools understand this and will have a variety of offerings to explore.

Support System:

Talk to the school about their support systems for new students. Many schools have counselling services and peer mentoring programs and will have a great deal of experience easing these transitions.

Personal Touches:

Send care packages with your son’s favourite treats, photos, or a personal note to remind him of home. Consider sending enough to share – a surprising number of friendships at this age are formed over shared snacks!

Patience and Understanding:

Be patient, understanding, and calm. Homesickness usually diminishes over the first few weeks as children becomes more accustomed to their new environments.

If your son’s homesickness feels out of the ordinary or you’re worried something else might be going on, reach out to his HM and/or tutor. They will have another perspective based on what they see happening at school and will be able to compare to other similarly situated boys to help you determine best next steps. Parents are often surprised by how supportive these members of staff can be and how flexible they are, especially where parents once attended similar schools and had a very different experience. Of course, boarding is not for everyone, and very rarely, some children will continue to struggle with homesickness and will need to make a change. In this case too, it’s worth discussing early and often so everyone is on the same page.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Excited and Anxious Parent,

Transitions can be challenging, especially at this age, but most children will find their stride fairly quickly, even if there a few stumbles early on. Many children will be in your daughter’s same position and will be coming from a small local school, so neither of you will be alone in navigating this change. Most reputable independent schools will also have plenty of experience with this, and will have considered how they can provide support, even if they don’t explain it to you. For example, your daughter may find that she has several classmates with similar experiences and interests in her “form” and/or house (boarding schools have houses and many day schools also have “houses” that work together to earn points and provide mentorship). It can be difficult to know in advance which children will find this transition point especially easy or difficult, but there are a few things that could make the process smoother for your daughter:

Prepare:

Visit the new school together, attend orientation events, and help her get familiar with the new environment.

Connect: Reach out to other parents to connect and learn about their experiences at the school or what they might be looking forward to and organise opportunities for your daughter to meet her future classmates. If you do not know anyone, you may need to move out of your comfort zone to find parents yourself and/or ask the school to assist.

Encourage Independence:

Support her in organising her school materials and schedule and managing her time effectively in advance.

Communicate Openly:

Encourage her to share her feelings and concerns. Reassure her that it’s normal to feel anxious about new experiences and that most of her classmates will feel similarly.

Manage Expectations:

The first few weeks will be quite different to what your daughter is used to and there will almost certainly be a few awkward moments around knowing where to go or searching for a familiar face. Knowing that there will be these moments and that they will pass will help to prepare your daughter for that experience.

Support:

Connect with the school to understand their support systems for new students and identify any potential gaps that you might be able to fill.

Be Patient:

The first few weeks (and possibly months!) may be stressful and challenging and there will likely be several ups and downs before things fully settle. Try to remember that while some of this will likely be tied to the transition, some is the stage of life, and none of it will last forever.

With support from you and the new school, your daughter should soon find her footing and thrive in her new environment. If you have worries specific to your daughter or you become concerned about how your daughter is handling the transition, it might help to speak to an adolescent psychologist, who can provide outside support and advice for both of you.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Supportive Parent,

Social dynamics can be challenging, especially in tightly-knit school communities. Most children see some changes to their friendship groups somewhere between Year 7 and Year 9 as they start to explore who they are and develop more individual interests. That’s not to say that any of it will be easy, even if it appears to be so for some, but know that your daughter (and you) are not alone and this may be an opportunity for her to explore some new friendships with girls she may have overlooked in her year or to meet people outside of her school. This can be particularly challenging at this stage when awkwardness can feel insurmountable, but it is also a valuable life skill. Here’s how you can help:

Listen and Validate:

Let her express her feelings without judgment and validate her experiences.

Encourage New Friendships:

Encourage her to participate in different activities where she can meet new friends outside of her current social circle (and potentially outside of her school).

Social Skills Development:

Help her develop social skills and strategies to deal with exclusion, such as finding common interests and being assertive in a positive way.

Loop in School: If the situation persists, consider discussing it with school counsellors or teachers who can offer additional support and intervention.

Confidence Building:

Engage in activities that build her confidence and self-esteem outside the school environment.

Supporting her through this period can help her develop resilience and social skills that will benefit her in the long run. This stage will not last forever, even if it feels like it will, so try to focus on using this stage to prepare for the next.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Worried Parent,

It’s wonderful to hear that your son has grown in confidence and skill in sports over the years. His frustration is understandable, and advocating for his fair placement is a reasonable concern. It can be difficult to assess our own children’s performance objectively, so it may be useful to get a sense of what other parents on your son’s current team think and to observe a match the next team up plays, if you have not already done so.

One other thing to consider is your son’s own enthusiasm, which will be, or should be, a primary consideration in his team placement. To put it another way, children who demonstrate enthusiasm for a sport, are willing to work hard and focus, and are competitive, are more likely to be moved up to more competitive teams, while children who demonstrate less enthusiasm tend not to, regardless of how enthusiastic parents might be. This is really to protect against overly enthusiastic parents from pushing their children into situations that could damage their self-esteem or put them in real physical danger.

Assuming you have considered all of these factors already, here are some thoughts on how you can address this situation thoughtfully and effectively:

Gather Specific Evidence: Before approaching the school, gather specific examples of your son’s improved performance. This could include feedback from coaches, performance in recent matches, or any achievements he has accomplished. Concrete evidence can support your case and demonstrate that your concerns are valid.

Encourage Your Son to Speak Up: Empower your son to express his feelings to his coaches. This can be a valuable learning experience in self-advocacy. Sometimes, coaches may not be fully aware of a student’s progress unless it is brought to their attention by the student.

Request a Private Meeting: Request a private meeting with the head of games or your son’s tutor. Approach the conversation with a collaborative and positive attitude. Express your appreciation for the school’s programs and highlight your son’s enthusiasm and progress. Frame your concerns as a desire to see him challenged and motivated, rather than criticism of the current placement.

Highlight Development and Motivation: Explain how being placed in a team that matches his current skill level could further his development and motivation. Emphasise that your goal is to support your son’s growth and ensure he remains engaged and enthusiastic about sports.

Offer Solutions: Suggest a trial period where your son could be placed in a higher team or be given opportunities to participate in training sessions with more advanced teams. This approach shows that you are looking for a fair assessment rather than demanding immediate changes.

Focus on Constructive Feedback: If you sense resistance or defensiveness, reiterate that you are looking for constructive feedback on how your son can continue to improve and what steps he needs to take to be considered for higher teams in the future.

Stay Objective and Respectful: Maintain a respectful and objective tone throughout the conversation. Being perceived as “that parent” often stems from a confrontational approach, so staying calm and collaborative is key.

Advocating for your son’s fair placement in sports is important for his confidence and motivation. It also makes clear to your son that you support him. By approaching the school with evidence, a positive attitude, and a focus on collaboration, you can address your concerns without alienating the staff. Your son’s development and happiness are paramount, and ensuring he is fairly assessed will help him continue to thrive.

Best wishes,

Kate

Dear Concerned Parent,

It’s distressing to see your daughter go through repeated issues with a classmate, especially after efforts to resolve the situation seemed initially successful. It’s crucial to address these ongoing issues to ensure both girls receive the support they need. Here’s how you might approach this situation:

1. Document Incidents: Keep a detailed record of any incidents that occur, including dates, times, and the nature of the interactions. Understand school policies around this and determine whether you need to flag it with school immediately so they can investigate or whether it would be better to hold off. This documentation will be helpful when discussing the issue with the school and in demonstrating a pattern of behaviour.

2. Follow Up with the School: Request a follow-up meeting with the school administration, teachers, and, if possible, pastoral staff. Bring documentation and express your concerns clearly, emphasising that while separation next year is a step, immediate support is needed for both girls.

3. Advocate for Both Children: Highlight the need for additional support for both your daughter and the other girl. Your daughter needs a safe and supportive environment, while the other girl likely needs more help coping with her home situation and the resulting behaviours.

4. Explore Mediation and Counselling: Ask the school if they can facilitate mediation sessions with a trained counsellor or mediator to help resolve the conflicts more effectively. Although teachers will want to help and mean well, many do not have the requisite training to support children through these conflicts and can inadvertently make things worse.

5. Strengthen Your Daughter’s Support Network: Ensure your daughter feels supported at home. Encourage her to talk about her feelings and reassure her that she’s handling a difficult situation with maturity and empathy. Reinforce her positive qualities and remind her that it’s okay to seek help when needed.

6. Encourage Positive Interactions: If possible, encourage your daughter to engage in activities that build her confidence and resilience. Extracurricular activities, clubs, or hobbies can provide a positive outlet and help her build a supportive network of friends.

7. Consider External Support: If the school’s response remains inadequate, consider seeking advice from external child psychologists or counsellors. They can provide strategies for your daughter to cope with the situation and offer advice on how to navigate interactions with the other girl, and just offer another opportunity for your daughter to share her feelings.

8. Communicate with Other Parents: If you’re comfortable, connect with other parents in the class. They might have observed similar issues and could offer additional support or perspectives. A united approach from multiple parents can sometimes prompt a more robust response from the school.

Your concerns are valid, and it’s essential that the school addresses this issue with the seriousness it deserves. By documenting incidents, advocating for immediate support, and exploring additional resources, you can help ensure your daughter and her classmate receive the necessary care and guidance. Depending on whether you know the other child’s parent(s) and how comfortable you are approaching them, it might also help to discuss things with them. In many cases schools are reluctant to report challenging behaviours to parents below a certain threshold to avoid parent “over involvement,” which can be unfortunate, because it limits the ability for parents to support. To put it another way, there is some chance the parents are not aware of their child’s behaviour at all and can provide some guidance and support that could shift things. Most parents want to help to guide their children in the right direction and many would welcome the opportunity to work with you to help both girls interact more positively. In some cases, parents can be defensive and unhelpful, but this tends to be the exception.

Your daughter’s well-being is paramount, and taking these steps will help create a safer and more supportive environment for her.

Best wishes,

Kate